remember

wtf...

A couple years ago my mother had an accident that compromised her neurological system and necessitated regular live in care. We have family living in the same city as she does that was unable/unwilling to assume the care so I left my job and moved to FL to care for her. It was a choice I made without hesitation when it became obvious no one else wanted the task. She and I have made a lot of progress (both in our own ways...lol) over the last couple years and she is no longer confined to a wheeelchair and while we've debated a lot on her caloric intake she has put on some healthy weight and gained some strength. She made enough progress that I returned to a fulltime job so I could get insurance for myself and add to her social security we lived on for the last couple years. When I took a FT job we asked an adult woman who was new to sobriety to help out. I'm clean for 6 yrs and knew this woman though her sober mom. She made a deal with her mom who offered her a safe place in her home as long as she was serious about staying clean and actively particiapted in her own recovery. 10 days ago she was arrested for possession during a weekend jaunt to her old stomping grounds 4 hours away. To be honest I was initially pissed as shit. I felt betrayed and further it caused my mother some emotional sadness that I didn't want to see her endure. After a couple days though I've moved through my intial anger to accept the fact that what really made me mad was the inconvenience it was going to cause me! Funny how the selfish child in me is never very far from the surface.
Today I feel for this woman and hope that somehow she can find the courage to humbly accept the reality of her choices and move forward without a crack pipe.

not today

Overall I consider myself a pretty chill guy. I have plenty of faults and a generous amount of great attributes. I struggle more than some people and coast more than others. But every once in a while for what seems no apparent reason I just want to say fuck off! Not to life or any one in particular, well sometimes it's someone special (like this time)...but every once in a rare moment I just wanna say fuck off! When I find myself in that moment I don't always know it, just little telltale signs start to surface and I catch myself being unreasonably short or even rude. Maybe not short or rude by your standards but by mine. I found myself there today, and it took me like three or seven hours to figure out what lit the match...the fuckin IRS. I have some small ( I mean like minor...like less than $1000) problems from like 8 years ago and the IRS, as it can't seem to hit up the 1% for their errors, go after little guys like me...fuck I make like nothing and I take care of my mother and they're taking like more than half of my pay trying to get my attention. Yes, dumb ass, I'm listening! The thing that makes me the most irritable is that I know that it is a situation that I ought to have dealt with, well, like 8 yars ago...but still...it corks me!

why or how?

rant

I've been avoiding the eplaya for the last few days and I just figured out why! I was getting tired of all the boohooing about the new system they organizers are trying for ticket sales. It's a lottery of sorts and to listen to some of the people on there you'd think that someone had told them sorry you can't go! The way I understand it, there is going to be a pre-sale in December and then an open registration in Jan. You pick a price tier, the price you think you want to pay, and then there's a drawing and if you're name is selected then you get a ticket! Bear in mind there are like 50,000 tickets and while it sold out last year it took till June to do so.  The price has apparently gone up (what hasn't) so of course everyone is crying about that too! I guess I understand that if you've been going for several years it might be disappointing if your name isn't chosen but come on...grow a pair and get over it! I'm confident that there will be a fair chance for everyone to go and I'm truly not sweating it, cause I believe I'll score a ticket, dunno why but I'll register in Jan for a ticket I can afford and then wait for confirmation. But, in the event I don't...well I don't. Perhaps missing the event won't be as hard on me because I've never been and this is to be first year and I don't really know what I'll be misiing. But honestly there are a ridiculous amount of posts regarding this topic!!! WTF! If I wasn't sure the boohooers were the minority I'd be wondering if this was the place for me. Fortunately I've had the opportunity to trade barbs with some cool people who I think represent the majority of Burners...not entirely supporting the new approach but willing to give it a try. Chill people. Most of them trying to get people to relax and let the ball roll, pointing to the obvious waste of time getting all bound up for nothing! Ok thats my rant, more or less. I figured it would be saner to get it out here rather than make everyone read ALL THIS!
Peace

entitlement

What I want to know is when did we become such a self-absorbed society of entitled boobs? It seems everywhere I turn theres another example of this boorish trend.

On the eplaya (a forum of e-burners - those Burning Man residents who congregate online the other 51 weeks of the year) there currently is a plethora of topics regarding a new system for tickets that has everyone (or a small vocal bunch) befuddled. There is a recurring sentiment that some of authors feel that because they have participated before, or they are artists or they have purple hair they should recieve some kind of special treatment. I don't necessarily disagree with the idea that their historic support has made recurring years possible. But I would pose this question " would the event not have occured if you had not been present?" Yeah, it would have happened...in case you didn't know the answer to that question. Sure your participation is meaningful, but from a community standpoint is it anymore significant then the person who has been present 2 yrs or 4 yrs. Is it more significant than the virgin from last year, or the volunteers?

This is one of many examples of the selfish behavior we all run into each day. I'm getting kind of tired of it and have decided that, in as polite a way as possible, remind these people that we are all in this together. I'm not better or worse than you and deserve no more or less than you. Of course, if you have more money or have a more aggressive or creative approach to a situation you could get the advantage. But don't pull that I'm entitled crap with me - it won't fly!

I'm still just saying...

psssst...revisited

I posted this secret one time a couple years ago...and I forgot how valuable a secret it is. So if you missed it (and I suspect as no one probably reads this) I'll say it again...

...ya wanna know the secret...give it all away! give away everything that is important...it's not yours to hang onto anyway. give away your smiles, your love, your truth, your hope, your joy, your dreams...give it all away!!!!! just imagine what would happen if everyone did that..geez what would you do if at every corner at every minute someone was giving you their smile... or their hope... or their love...wouldn't that be cool!??

...which is harder... to figure out what you want...or asking for it!

perhaps it is a matter of perspective?

mine? I think figuring out what I want has always been the harder!

my hope? when I do figure it out, that I have the courage to ask for it!

So many people I never knew I know

I was talking on a forum tonight on the Burning Man Eplaya and mentioned that "I wonder why there are so many people on here that I feel I've met before...???" I recieved many comment to the effect that...(ah, slowly, surely he becomes one of us)... and one woman forward the above picture that resonated that deja vu feeling perfectly...no coincidences...

check out some of her other images here if you have a sec... they are perfect!

ya gotta do it...

ya gotta do it!

awesome BM 2011 video!!

Burning Man reality

I seem to be having a hard time NOT thinking about Burning Man. I don't remember when I first heard about it...sometime when i was living in DC, in the late '90's I seem to recall, though the specifics elude me. I do recall that I was recently sober and my sober strongly advised not going as it was nothing more than a drug party. I know that during those years, and perhaps more of my life than I care to admit, I tried not to think for myself if possible. It's clear that it was the suggestion I needed at the time.  But over the last 10 years I have learned a lot about thinking for myself, I have made a ridiculous number of mistakes, but they were MY mistakes. And they've helped me become an adult, finally, at the age of 58.

A couple months ago BM popped up on my radar again..I don't recall how it happened but within 24 hours I discoverd for the first time that there were sober camps and even better there were gay sober camps. And a few weeks later I put out a plan to the universe...I would go to my first burn in 2012!!! It's out there now and I believe the stars , moons, gods...whatever... have aligned this way because I need to go. I have no real expectations about what to expect, well I do expect my life will change...more accurately I believe my life will begin.

I have some fear about all this. My greatest fear is that I won't go. I don't put to much stock in coincidence, at least coincidence with no apparent connection. I think that life offers up opportunities that we take or decline. I think this is my opportunity, that BM is an adventure that I need to take...repeat...NEED to take. My only other real fear is not having enough money. I try to put a little aside each week and have a loose plan on how to accomplish little goals toward the end goal...like first buy a ticket..a tent...gas money...I know that as I achieve each small goal the adventure will evolve before me and before long it will be August 2012 and I'll be heading into my life.

BM volunteering

I've been giving some more thought to volunteering at BM 2012. The official (?) recommendation is that it's not suggested the first year...but I like volunteering. It gives me a sense of belonging, purpose without which I feel like a visitor or guest or worse yet leech...lol! I'm comfortable helping people, a caretaker socioligists call it, so why not let what comes naturally do it's thing! Lamplighters and Exodus are still the top runners.

There's something about the ceremony of Lamplighters as well as the regularlity. It's the same time every afternoon; 5pm. My ADHD likes schedules and repetition! :) There appears to be a certain level of camradrie amongst the Lamplighters which is cool as I'm doing this thing solo and it would give me a chance to meet other people...not that I think meeting people will even be a remote possibility with 50,000 like minded people surrounding me!!!

The other options is Exodus which has potential for being a bigger commitment but also to minimize the anxiety connected to egress..blame it on the ADHD again...lol...but I have a tendency to get a little crazy waiting in lines. I've heard that the exodus is another part of the expereince and that there are "neighborhoods" that spring in the wait. The whole thing is staged and so these little neighborhoods last for like an hour at a time and the entire exodus can take 7 hours or longer so theres some fun to be had on the way out. All that being said I believe I might fare better helping coordinate a happy egress rather than socializing around my car...dunno perhaps I need to open my mind to the potential for something different..perhaps?

Will see what happens next...

BRC Volunteering

I had thought I would NOT volunteer for my first burn...ya know just enjoy the liberation of self and experience of the Playa. But the more i thought about it I think I might actully enjoy helping. I mean I like to volunteer as it makes me feel like I'm part of whats happening rather than a guest or observer. It is part of my character so why not? I was thinking of either Gate or Lamplighters both of which I found under the heading Volunteering. If I was to do the Gate I think I'd like to be part of the Exodus...I read somewhere that it is a hard team to get as everyone wants to leave...but how cool to tell peopel "bye...have a safe trip...see ya next year!" I mean cool! Lamplighters get to light the city at dusk and only requires a small commitment each day...another cool thing because you get to walk around saying hi and checking it all out! Again, cool! Well we'll let it go for today..I've thown it out to the universe...let's see what come back.

live bigger

My friend took his own life a couple of days ago. We knew each other well but since I left Atlanta we had kinda lost touch with one another. It happens when you move...people who you were close with move on. It's nothing personal. Maintaining any long distant relationship is difficult, romantic relationships have a the bonus physical layer that provides incentive. But platonic relationships are more of a challenge. They take a lot of work from both parties and circumstances on either end can make the connection thinner and begin to fray. As I said it's nothing personal, just life continuing. When I visit Atlanta (and I've been gone a couple years) most of my friends are delighted to see me as I am them. Real friends are almost always to make the time for each other and take up, as best possible, from where we left off.

When last I was visiting I got to spend some time with my friend. A movie and dinner, catching up..love live, work and the usual man gossip. It was the last time I'll ever see him. I'm grateful for that night. Our friendship was nothing deep, we didn't share intimate secrets but it was a genuine friendship as he was a genuine guy. It's important, in retrospect, to enjoy the time you get to spend with friends, because you never know if you'll see them again. Sometimes we simply lose touch & sometimes other forces intervene.

I'll miss my friend and I long ago gave up trying to figure out the selfish loss associated with the grim reaper. I just remember that I have a responsibility to live life bigger, for all those fallen comarades who won't get a chance to do it for themselves!

RIP Gary B. 10-14-11

Burning Man Gear

I'm trying to gather my thoughts on what gear I'll need for BM2012. There is a Survival Guide that I've read through. Here are some things I know I want...

A tent, suggested it be canvas and Kodiak seems to be the tent of choice. It's not the cheapest or the lightest but it's suppose to be super high quality so I'm thikning it would be a good investment for more camping. Its the FlexBow Kodiak  and a 10x10 which is plenty big for a couple of people, gear, etc... price....$500.



The other thing is a bike. Beause of the environment, sand, wind...well, sand and wind is enough to ruin a geared bike so a single speed bike is what I'm thinking. The one I'm currently looking at is the Firmstrong Bruiser Prestige Single Speed Men's 26 Beach Cruiser, Matte Black w/Green Rims. It just looks like a cool bike, right??!!
...price...$225.

There are some cool other things like El Wire...in case you don't know...I didn't...its like a glowing wire thats very flexible and could make the bike like real cool... but it's not really a mandatory piece of gear...or is it? It starts about $30...could be more depending on how elaborate!




So that's my wish list as of today.

Oh, here is the Survival Guide MUST BRING LIST :
· Your ticket or your photo ID and confirmationnumber to pick up at ticket at Will Call
· 1.5 gallons of water/person/day (drinking, washing, & cooking) Always have a water bottle
· Enough food/beverages for your group
· An extensive First-aid kit
· Warm clothing for evenings –this is a desert at 4,000 feet elevation!
· Bedding & shelter of – the winds can exceed 75 mph, midday temps can exceed 100° F
· A good camp tent and warm sleeping bags. Evening temperatures can be in the 40s
· Garbage and recycling bags, and tools to clean up your camp site (rakes, etc.)
· Any required prescriptions, contact lens supplies (disposables work great), or anything
  else you need to maintain your health and comfort in a remote area with no services
· Flashlights and spare batteries (headlamps areuseful) to see and be seen at night
· Sunscreen/sunblock & sunglasses
· Fire extinguishers, to protect your camp and property and if you plan to burn your art
· Common sense, an open mind, and a positive attitude

wandering

It seems, sometimes, that life is not quite as complicated as I make it. I don't think I am unique in this regard.  I overthink and analyze circumstances presented making them seem much more complex than they are.

Rationally there are perhaps infinte choices regarding most aspects I stand before, but if I listen to that "inner voice", ya know the one...that gut feeling about right or wrong...I suspect most decisions are not too hard. Fear can paralyze me when I try to decide which of those choices will provide the easiest outcome or more accurately...the least amount of work or conflict.

...What if???... becomes the mainstay during those moments....what if... I decide to do "this" and xyz happens, or so & so thinks less of me, or...well you get the picture. Meanwhile, the opportunity for real choice evaporates and I'm left with a default choice (usually a choice made for me from lack of my non-choosing) which invariably leads to... "if only"... !!

All this leads to two things...(1) resent or regret over missed opportunity
                                              (2) fear of future opportunity. - future opportunity = a new choice!

hmmmm....regret or fear? Not much of a way to live, is it?

Burning Man 2012 Road Trip

In preparation for my BM 2012 Road Trip I've mapped out a tentative plan. I've read that the first 18hrs after the gates open, which I believe is Aug 27, 2012 at 12:00 am, the lines are long. Be that as it may I'm planning to arrive around 5AM that day...which means that I need to leave apprx 9pm the Friday before Aug 24th.

15 hours (1000 miles) later I should arrive at my first resting stop,Vernon, TX...(pop 12001 ...really??? 12000 +1???) at about 1pm on Sat 8/25. Not even sure what is there...lol...but we'll see! After some rest (hmmmm....car or motel? perhaps not the best choice, rural TX, to stay...this might require visual perspective!) I'll head out around 9pm on the next leg...

to Las Vegas!! I should arrive there after another 15 hrs (and another 1000 miles) at around noon on Sunday 8/26...and get some sleep (does anyone get sleep in Las Vegas??). I think this time I'll stay in a motel as it will be the last real sleep I'll get for a week! The plan is to leave Las Vegas at 9pm Sunday night and drive the last 500 miles to.......

Black Rock City...aka...The Playa...

for my first tour of Burning Man! Oh yeah...I'm a dork!

wallpaper 3

Burning Man 2012

So I've made a decision to attend Burning Man in 2012. I wanted to go this event for several years...alright like 10yrs, but have always found an excuse not to attend. Mostly I think it is just fear...fear of what I'm not to sure but over the next 11 months I will document my thoughts and preparation as it unfolds. I hope in that time that I will be able to uncover whatever fear has been holding me back. Perhaps the discovery will open my heart and eyes to other fears and thus freedom from them. I believe that the result will be a life changing adventure.

I have found several links and have started a dialogue with one of the organizers of a sober camp on the Playa - Camp Stella and I have joined their Yahoo group and actually been in touch with one of their organizers....the great thing is that these are SOBER gay people experiencing the event together!

change

There is an incredible amount of information available to anyone who wants to "change". But what is it that any of us wants to change... that makes a difference? For me I thought I wanted to be someone else...to feel accomplished or successful or important. The intersting thing I 've learned was if I honestly looked at my motives and the dream I was chasing the end result I desired was to be some form of superficial embodiment...none of which would bring me happiness. When I deconstruct, scrutinize or otherwise analyze those I would want to be I realize I don't truly know more than what is presented. Pain, shame, insecurities are not something most people wear on the outside except in extremes, so the idols I venerate, like most humans, suffer with their own demons and defaults.

So I'm left with this...if I determined what I needed to realize real happiness then perhaps I would then know what had to change. Ergo the only thing I need to change is my understanding of happiness. If happiness is the absence of misery and misery is defined as wretchedness of condition or circumstances then my life could be defined as happy. Iam not without challenges...but I have a job I like ...alot! And I have friends who love and respect me and want to be in my company. and...most importantly...I have family that love me for who I am and what I beleive in. Not a bad deal as those are the things that last, the things that matter...to me.

Perhaps you might value other things and that's ok, as long as I keep in mind that I don't have to subscribe to those values...OR....hold my values up to them for comparison. It's worth mentioning that I will stay happier if I neither judged your idea of happiness as better...or worse...than my own...mine is mine...yours is yours.

wallpaper2

Burning Man 2012

I am determined to go to Burning Man 2012...there is a sober community that is present and I intend to experience it in 2012!!

wallpaper1

I make these wallpaper images (1600x900) for my desktop...ya know..just little reminders to keep me focused..in case I forget, which I do more often than I would prefer! Anyway, a friend of mine thought I should put them up in case someone might like the reminder too! I wasn't too sure where to put them...maybe this isn't the best, but it's as good a place as any. I really only share the URL with people I trust anyway...so if you're reading this you certainly pass the trustworthy profile, or just happen to get here on your own...whatever. In the event you happen to like one of them...just click the image, then right click to save...

If you've stumble across this blog and I've used an image that belongs to you and you don't want it distributed let me know and I'll remove it. Most of the phrases or words are from my head or inspired by someone elses head. Exact quotes are acknowledged. Images are generally found online and treated in Photoshop.

breathe

I recall sitting in an ashram in Atlanta listening to the teacher reminding her students to stay in the moment....the tool she taught us to use that night was ...the breath...

It was all about feeling the breath as it made its journey in and out of the body. It's an amazing thing when you stop to consider the breath passing in and out...it's all but impossible to be anywhere except in that moment...its peace.