Trusting the process

Sometimes it seems that it is so easy to go with the flow. Life fits comfortably, I look good in it and I can  mosy along at a pace that feels right. And then there's the rest of the time. When I first got clean it seemed that "the rest of the time" was 90% or more some times hovering closer to 99.9%. But over the last year it feels like more a pretty even split and there are even moments when I feel like it's dipped comfortably into that low 40 percentile range! After the Roundup this year it may have even gone into the 30's!! So when the "rest of the time", those moments when life feels like its wrinkled and unkempt...when it's binding and it looks like cheesy vintage wanna-be, flair up I get blindsided.
After my mom's accident in October I've been hanging in the high 50's of poop. I find the concept of self is more common than I would prefer. My problems suddenly seem greater than yours! It was if my mom's accident happened to me!!! I moped around for a couple of weeks wrapped in a couple layers of pity, fear and self. I forgot that it was not about me...in fact, I wasn't even there helping my mom. I sat at home criticizing my brother - criticizing his addiction and his rage and his self pity. Oh, how easy it is too see my own reflection while not even realizing that I'm holding a mirror.
But I digress...my mom left the hosital and moved to a physical rehab facility to help her learn how to walk again (seems she damaged the portion of the brain that processed her knowledge of walking) and after 3 weeks they sent her home. While this was going on my brother was doing what he could to help out (admittedly I was convinced he was pawning her belongings, running up her credit cards and other dastardly activities including smoking in her new car which she can't even drive...I know, I know what can I say?)  This past Monday she was taken back to the hospital...her speech slurred and she could barely get around with a walker. Today they did an MRI ans some other brain tests to find out whats happening and honestly it doesn't appear good.
These events paint a pretty unflattering picture of me I'm ashamed to admit. But there is some good news...honest. Slowly over the last couple of weeks I have realized that I was looking at my own character defects when I thought I was looking at my brother. Make no mistake he is no saint...but that son of a bitch is doing something! Whether he wanted to or not he has been a son to my mom. He has helped her out of bed and lifted her off the floor. He has taken her to the bathroom, the hospital and made her meals. He has been there when she cried and bitched and come to grips with her own mortality. I have a new respect for him. I even envy him for having the chance to help our mom. I have found a new humility too. This, though isn't about me...it's about my mom and about my brother. This is about putting my faith in God. This about trusting that God is letting this unfold the way He wants it to unfold. It's about acceptance. God will take care of my mom and when it is my turn to be there He will see to it that I go.

halloween kookoo

It's that time of year...the leaves are changing, the clock turned back, halloween. And, this year we've added the Atlanta Gay Pride festival!! One of my friends calls it the perfect storm! He's in recovery too and for many gay men in recovery gay Pride or Halloween use to be all about partying! So for a lot of us, your's truly included, it's a double whammy! I didn't think much of it this year and actually got  into the swing of it...I've been isolating a little too much recently...letting my roomate scare my face out and participate both Halloween Eve and Halloween in costume and scary face! Friday night we went to a part in East Atlanta that was being thrown by one of our sober friends...we were just barely on the property and dead in front of me was the "stalker".

The stalker is an ex-boyfriend who dumped me and then wouldn't leave me alone...One of those types who wanted, for some conscious easing reason to maintain a friendship with their "ex". Mine was the kind who wouldn't leave me alone. Always calling me when he split up with his amore-du-jour or wanting favors or sex. I was crushed by our break-up and would go out of my way to make myself available to him. I should mention that I lost my sobriety over him, moved twice & sold my house. I bought him whatever I thought would make him happy and would skip any event just to be near him. I was sick! Very sick. Even after I got sober I still would do anything for him until one dauy someone asked me what I was getting???? Ummm?? Let's see...ya see it's like this....ummmm....oh wait...not a fucking thing! So I got him out of my life. I asked him to leave me alone, to allow me some time to get over it. Ya see for two years or more since he dumped me he would get in touch with me at least once a month. So I never had a chance to grieve, or whatever you're suppose to do when ya get dumped...maybe make a voodoo doll?? Anyway he just wouldn't I had him banned from my jobs, blocked him from any site I was on online, and finally changed my phone number! Up until 3 months ago he would still call me at work asking to talk to me! Needless to say, unless ya didn't pick up the vibe...he drove me kookoo.

So it's been awhile since he had tried to contact me and even longer since I've seen him. Sadly he could not just ignore me...he had to walk up and say hi...couldn't he get a hug? I just stood there, dumbfounded... speechless infact, unable to comprehend what was going on! I mumbled something andd walked away, but the rest of the 30+ minutes we were there was ackward and uncomfortable. It seemed like where I was, no matter who I was taling to, he was always right in front of me...almost like he was putting himself in my field of vision. Perhaps he was, or perhaps it was my imagination, either way we left shortly afterward. It was wierd because as we were in the car turning around to leave...he and and his party decided to leave too.

So I'm a little crazy again. Unhappy that my space was broken with the unpleasant collision of our individual worlds. It was coincidence that we were both at the same party of that I'm sure, but not one I would have wished for. I don't wish him ill, infact I wish for him to be happy...but maybe happy in another state..not the one I live in!