What to do when there are no walls..

I'm at a spot...I pushed through a wall and ended up in the bathroom, pushed forward and hit another wall that opened to a meadow but then where?

I was thinking it represented freedom - but what is freedom? Freedom from what or who? I thought freedom from responsibility, but I'm challenged by my Teacher (aka therapist - but isn't she helping me to learn?) to consider that there is no freedom from responsibility..huh?

I'm realizing this is true, responsibility is what brings peace. Think about this, if I'm taking care of myself, clothing myself, feeding myself, protecting myself from physical harm this is responsibility. But, there is more than physical responsibility - there is financial responsibility, moral responsibility, familial responsibility, social, civic, platonic, spiritual, emotional...well you get the point, without responsibility, well, there's not much. So how can I have any real peace, satisfaction, serenity, joy, happiness whatever you're searching for without  - responsibility. In my search I cannot deny that I have to embrace responsibility - yes, even the more mundane responsibilities like paying bills - in order to move closer to finding the questions.

 

And how can anyone find an answer unless they first know the question?.

 

So here's my next question - why am I afraid of money?

 

What, if any, is the relationship of money to my success?

 

If I mismanage my finances does my mismanagement affect my success?

 

past the bathroom into the meadow

For a while I've been seeing a therapist. She pokes and peeks and prods and looks for stuff I've tucked away. Most of what she's looking for is the stuff I have either forgotten about or buried under layers of distorted memories, shame, remorse and the usual psychohooha that mindful prospectors like her pick up, roll around in their hands and toss to the side - the stuff I think is potentially valuable! Of course these are the little treasures I have carefully constructed, albeit somewhat unconsciously, to distract me from, well me. My therapist stumbled across a vein today, I'm not 100% sure how she found it, perhaps she wasn't so sure either, but she persistently scraped away the debris confident that there was an authentic relic within reach. We trudged into the dark and hit a wall. I wasn't afraid of the dark just didn't see beyond, but damned if she didn't hand me a pick and patiently waited for me to bust through. When I finally got through we were in in my blue tiled bathroom on Hillcrest? Huh? I ruminated about what had brought me to Tallahassee and that blue bathroom...what I had lost or given away to arrive in this tiny tiled room...finally ending up on that day I got sober. Only this time instead of flushing pot down the toilet I flushed my fear of success. Don't judge I'm still a little uncomfortable acknowledging that I have this fear. Anyway, we left the little bathroom and went out to the parking lot of the building. When I first walked out the door there were cars and even the U-Haul from when I moved...then poof they were gone. So there we were standing in fromt of Hillcrest and I said we could go left or right but the school was in front over the fence and then there was a wall. Guess which way we went? Through the wall of course (note that given the option a therapist will always make you go through the wall!) and I swear this is true there was a meadow through the wall! One of those dreamy lush rolling meadows with wild flowers and a tree on the hill.

The point to all this is that sometime there is going to be a wall, it might be literal or metaphorical, but either way, I believe, if you're looking for answers that is, you're going to end up there...at the wall. Go ahead, go through it...don't worry if you end up in the blue tiled bathroom, cuz after you flush the toilet you can go to the pretty meadow.

The places I've been

Like most I’m always looking for understanding about who I am. Of course, to know who you are (and thus where you’re going) requires some examination of where one started. As such, here is an elementary (and annotated) list of the places I have been;

• In my tree fort (no girlz allowed)

• Floating in the river behind my house (homemade rafts were always the best)

• Hitch-hiking on Route 66 from Chicago to LA (I thought I was the great adventurer)

• Passed out on a sidewalk (beer than liquor ... never sicker)

• To my father’s graveside ( though it took me another 30 yrs to actually bury him)

• In a dirt garage lifting weights (with the serious juice heads)

• In lots of fancy athletic clubs lifting weights (with the disco tits boiz)

• On the overnight train from Paris to Florence (and I was still late for class)

• Hiking a hillside near Pisa(nirvana with a crusty loaf and aqua con gas)

• Camping naked (the full monty)

• On a 100 mile canoe trip (who knew I could kneel that long)

• Playing right field (I still can’t catch)

• In a rehab hospital (it was completely about the drama)

• To five schools of higher learning (but only received 2 degrees)

• The Millennium March on DC and “The Wedding” at the Lincoln Memorial (the former an unfuckingbelievable success…the latter a personal failure)

• To the closing of the Monster in Key West (it was all about decadence)

• On either side of a soup line both have their rewards)

• To too many funerals (know your sero-status and the status of those you sleep with)

• On my knees giving thanks and asking help (find Something to believe in)

• To tea dances and t-rooms (when they were fresh and when they got old)

• Quadrilatero d’oro in Milan (truly excessive, who did I think I was?)

• To AA, NA, CMA, and SCA meetings (and at last I understand how it works)

• In a classroom – teaching and learning (again both have their rewards)

• To Burning Man (without the assistance of any mind altering stimulus)

• To therapy (sincere effort will enable genuine change)

• To all the places I’ve ever needed to go. (admittedly, unaware of the fundamental lessons and too aware of the superfluous)

My philosophy can generally be summed up by the following creed; eat good food, be humble, embrace truth, challenge hate, put in more than you take, test fear, laugh at yourself whenever possible, dance regularly, find your courage, seize faith & live

after the Burn

It's been 12 days since the Man burned. And a week since I came back to my "real"world. I suddenly feel so alone. Of course, I have my mom, who I take care of and, who was happy that I had such an unbelievable time. I have my co-workers who were glad to have me back at work and reveled in my tales from the unknown. But I'm empty without my friends, the first real friends I've had in years. The adventure, in retrospect, feels more like a dream. You know the kind where you're in a fantastical place, surrounded by your family and friends but you don't recognize them? You know they can be trusted, they love you and yet they're strangers. Strangers in the sense that you know their spirit - you feel connected to it - but somehow you know so very little of who they are. Where did they come from? Go to school? What about their family? Jobs? Passions? Disappointments? How did they end up in the same place at the same time? I feel kinda cheated that I know so little...that despite the enormity of the adventure that I didn't get a chance to learn more about these people I love. That I only got to live, really live, with them for one brilliant moment that was over before it even started. And then there was my own personal adventure, I barely had a chance to see anything...there was so much to do and I didn't have enough time!! Never enough time....
But before it seems that I sound dissatisfied...let me assure you that I had the most remarkable journey. Yes it was like a dream but it was more than in color in was in PANAVISION! in TECHNICOLOR! in CINEMASCOPE!!! It felt like the first time I stepped into Times Square times 10. The daytime was for embracing my community, for learning something about them or laughing or just chilling. The nighttime was when the city got an injection of adrenaline! If it was a breathing organism in the daytime it became a hyperventilating explosion of light and sound at night. Even the most focused person suffered from attention deficit disorder once the sun slipped behind the mountains. All of my senses were heightened but mostly the auditory and visual senses Perhaps the dryness of the area impaired my sense of touch, taste and smell. It was like every drip of moisture was sucked from my hands. My mouth full of dust or masked and my nostrils haven for indestructible concrete boogers! And I was ALIVE!There was no direction to turn that wasn't filled with lights and sound. I was disoriented almost every night until I found the big orange Safety Cone at the 3:00 portal - and lost the last night when it suddenly disappeared taunting me for not securing a second landmark! I danced and danced as if no one was watching at Robot Heart and Bump Bed...where did they come from I didn't understand just that the music pulled me in and wouldn't let me go till I was sweaty and spent.
And the Burns...the Core burns, Anubis, the Temple and the Man can anyone describe the sensation? You're probably a better writer than I am...
When can I go back home...?

wtf...

A couple years ago my mother had an accident that compromised her neurological system and necessitated regular live in care. We have family living in the same city as she does that was unable/unwilling to assume the care so I left my job and moved to FL to care for her. It was a choice I made without hesitation when it became obvious no one else wanted the task. She and I have made a lot of progress (both in our own ways...lol) over the last couple years and she is no longer confined to a wheeelchair and while we've debated a lot on her caloric intake she has put on some healthy weight and gained some strength. She made enough progress that I returned to a fulltime job so I could get insurance for myself and add to her social security we lived on for the last couple years. When I took a FT job we asked an adult woman who was new to sobriety to help out. I'm clean for 6 yrs and knew this woman though her sober mom. She made a deal with her mom who offered her a safe place in her home as long as she was serious about staying clean and actively particiapted in her own recovery. 10 days ago she was arrested for possession during a weekend jaunt to her old stomping grounds 4 hours away. To be honest I was initially pissed as shit. I felt betrayed and further it caused my mother some emotional sadness that I didn't want to see her endure. After a couple days though I've moved through my intial anger to accept the fact that what really made me mad was the inconvenience it was going to cause me! Funny how the selfish child in me is never very far from the surface.
Today I feel for this woman and hope that somehow she can find the courage to humbly accept the reality of her choices and move forward without a crack pipe.

not today

Overall I consider myself a pretty chill guy. I have plenty of faults and a generous amount of great attributes. I struggle more than some people and coast more than others. But every once in a while for what seems no apparent reason I just want to say fuck off! Not to life or any one in particular, well sometimes it's someone special (like this time)...but every once in a rare moment I just wanna say fuck off! When I find myself in that moment I don't always know it, just little telltale signs start to surface and I catch myself being unreasonably short or even rude. Maybe not short or rude by your standards but by mine. I found myself there today, and it took me like three or seven hours to figure out what lit the match...the fuckin IRS. I have some small ( I mean like minor...like less than $1000) problems from like 8 years ago and the IRS, as it can't seem to hit up the 1% for their errors, go after little guys like me...fuck I make like nothing and I take care of my mother and they're taking like more than half of my pay trying to get my attention. Yes, dumb ass, I'm listening! The thing that makes me the most irritable is that I know that it is a situation that I ought to have dealt with, well, like 8 yars ago...but still...it corks me!

rant

I've been avoiding the eplaya for the last few days and I just figured out why! I was getting tired of all the boohooing about the new system they organizers are trying for ticket sales. It's a lottery of sorts and to listen to some of the people on there you'd think that someone had told them sorry you can't go! The way I understand it, there is going to be a pre-sale in December and then an open registration in Jan. You pick a price tier, the price you think you want to pay, and then there's a drawing and if you're name is selected then you get a ticket! Bear in mind there are like 50,000 tickets and while it sold out last year it took till June to do so.  The price has apparently gone up (what hasn't) so of course everyone is crying about that too! I guess I understand that if you've been going for several years it might be disappointing if your name isn't chosen but come on...grow a pair and get over it! I'm confident that there will be a fair chance for everyone to go and I'm truly not sweating it, cause I believe I'll score a ticket, dunno why but I'll register in Jan for a ticket I can afford and then wait for confirmation. But, in the event I don't...well I don't. Perhaps missing the event won't be as hard on me because I've never been and this is to be first year and I don't really know what I'll be misiing. But honestly there are a ridiculous amount of posts regarding this topic!!! WTF! If I wasn't sure the boohooers were the minority I'd be wondering if this was the place for me. Fortunately I've had the opportunity to trade barbs with some cool people who I think represent the majority of Burners...not entirely supporting the new approach but willing to give it a try. Chill people. Most of them trying to get people to relax and let the ball roll, pointing to the obvious waste of time getting all bound up for nothing! Ok thats my rant, more or less. I figured it would be saner to get it out here rather than make everyone read ALL THIS!
Peace

entitlement

What I want to know is when did we become such a self-absorbed society of entitled boobs? It seems everywhere I turn theres another example of this boorish trend.

On the eplaya (a forum of e-burners - those Burning Man residents who congregate online the other 51 weeks of the year) there currently is a plethora of topics regarding a new system for tickets that has everyone (or a small vocal bunch) befuddled. There is a recurring sentiment that some of authors feel that because they have participated before, or they are artists or they have purple hair they should recieve some kind of special treatment. I don't necessarily disagree with the idea that their historic support has made recurring years possible. But I would pose this question " would the event not have occured if you had not been present?" Yeah, it would have happened...in case you didn't know the answer to that question. Sure your participation is meaningful, but from a community standpoint is it anymore significant then the person who has been present 2 yrs or 4 yrs. Is it more significant than the virgin from last year, or the volunteers?

This is one of many examples of the selfish behavior we all run into each day. I'm getting kind of tired of it and have decided that, in as polite a way as possible, remind these people that we are all in this together. I'm not better or worse than you and deserve no more or less than you. Of course, if you have more money or have a more aggressive or creative approach to a situation you could get the advantage. But don't pull that I'm entitled crap with me - it won't fly!

I'm still just saying...

wandering

It seems, sometimes, that life is not quite as complicated as I make it. I don't think I am unique in this regard.  I overthink and analyze circumstances presented making them seem much more complex than they are.

Rationally there are perhaps infinte choices regarding most aspects I stand before, but if I listen to that "inner voice", ya know the one...that gut feeling about right or wrong...I suspect most decisions are not too hard. Fear can paralyze me when I try to decide which of those choices will provide the easiest outcome or more accurately...the least amount of work or conflict.

...What if???... becomes the mainstay during those moments....what if... I decide to do "this" and xyz happens, or so & so thinks less of me, or...well you get the picture. Meanwhile, the opportunity for real choice evaporates and I'm left with a default choice (usually a choice made for me from lack of my non-choosing) which invariably leads to... "if only"... !!

All this leads to two things...(1) resent or regret over missed opportunity
                                              (2) fear of future opportunity. - future opportunity = a new choice!

hmmmm....regret or fear? Not much of a way to live, is it?

change

There is an incredible amount of information available to anyone who wants to "change". But what is it that any of us wants to change... that makes a difference? For me I thought I wanted to be someone else...to feel accomplished or successful or important. The intersting thing I 've learned was if I honestly looked at my motives and the dream I was chasing the end result I desired was to be some form of superficial embodiment...none of which would bring me happiness. When I deconstruct, scrutinize or otherwise analyze those I would want to be I realize I don't truly know more than what is presented. Pain, shame, insecurities are not something most people wear on the outside except in extremes, so the idols I venerate, like most humans, suffer with their own demons and defaults.

So I'm left with this...if I determined what I needed to realize real happiness then perhaps I would then know what had to change. Ergo the only thing I need to change is my understanding of happiness. If happiness is the absence of misery and misery is defined as wretchedness of condition or circumstances then my life could be defined as happy. Iam not without challenges...but I have a job I like ...alot! And I have friends who love and respect me and want to be in my company. and...most importantly...I have family that love me for who I am and what I beleive in. Not a bad deal as those are the things that last, the things that matter...to me.

Perhaps you might value other things and that's ok, as long as I keep in mind that I don't have to subscribe to those values...OR....hold my values up to them for comparison. It's worth mentioning that I will stay happier if I neither judged your idea of happiness as better...or worse...than my own...mine is mine...yours is yours.

to do list

I found this list in Men's Journal of things I gotta do (+ acouple I added) before…well I gotta do!

1. Climb an active volcano
2. Drive a Ferrari…in Italy
3. Record your own record
4. Build your own house
5. Get shipwrecked…can I do this with Daniel Craig?
6. Witness a revolution
7. Go winter camping
8. Drive from Monaco to Nice…in a convertible
9. Raft the Grand Canyon
10. Try the blowfish
11. Hike the Appalachian Trail, or at least part of it.
12. See the sunset from Key West
13. Learn a language
14. Go vegetarian for a month
15. Try yoga for a week
16. Machu Picchu, Great Wall, Pyramids
17. Heli-Ski Valdez
18. Climb from Yosemite Valley to Tuolumne Meadows
19. Sleep in a tropical rain forest
20. Work for what you believe in
21. Go to Burning Man
22. Eat a living thing
23. Explore the Far East
24. Rescue a dog
25. Make front page news
26. Learn to sail
27. See the night sky from the Southern Hemisphere
28. Go 12 days without texting
29. Go to Burning Man, again
30. Volunteer
31. Crash A Black Tie event
32. London, Paris, Rome, Barcelona