Tuesday, April 16, 2013

What to do when there are no walls..

I'm at a spot...I pushed through a wall and ended up in the bathroom, pushed forward and hit another wall that opened to a meadow but then where?
I was thinking it represented freedom - but what is freedom? Freedom from what or who? I thought freedom from responsibility, but I'm challenged by my Teacher (aka therapist - but isn't she helping me to learn?) to consider that there is no freedom from responsibility..huh?
I'm realizing this is true, responsibility is what brings peace. Think about this, if I'm taking care of myself, clothing myself, feeding myself, protecting myself from physical harm this is responsibility. But, there is more than physical responsibility - there is financial responsibility, moral responsibility, familial responsibility, social, civic, platonic, spiritual, emotional...well you get the point, without responsibility, well, there's not much. So how can I have any real peace, satisfaction, serenity, joy, happiness whatever you're searching for without  - responsibility. In my search I cannot deny that I have to embrace responsibility - yes, even the more mundane responsibilities like paying bills - in order to move closer to finding the questions.
 
And how can anyone find an answer unless they first know the question?.
 
So here's my next question - why am I afraid of money?
 
What, if any, is the relationship of money to my success?
 
If I mismanage my finances does my mismanagement affect my success?
 

Friday, April 5, 2013

past the bathroom into the meadow

For a while I've been seeing a therapist. She pokes and peeks and prods and looks for stuff I've tucked away. Most of what she's looking for is the stuff I have either forgotten about or buried under layers of distorted memories, shame, remorse and the usual psychohooha that mindful prospectors like her pick up, roll around in their hands and toss to the side - the stuff I think is potentially valuable! Of course these are the little treasures I have carefully constructed, albeit somewhat unconsciously, to distract me from, well me. My therapist stumbled across a vein today, I'm not 100% sure how she found it, perhaps she wasn't so sure either, but she persistently scraped away the debris confident that there was an authentic relic within reach. We trudged into the dark and hit a wall. I wasn't afraid of the dark just didn't see beyond, but damned if she didn't hand me a pick and patiently waited for me to bust through. When I finally got through we were in in my blue tiled bathroom on Hillcrest? Huh? I ruminated about what had brought me to Tallahassee and that blue bathroom...what I had lost or given away to arrive in this tiny tiled room...finally ending up on that day I got sober. Only this time instead of flushing pot down the toilet I flushed my fear of success. Don't judge I'm still a little uncomfortable acknowledging that I have this fear. Anyway, we left the little bathroom and went out to the parking lot of the building. When I first walked out the door there were cars and even the U-Haul from when I moved...then poof they were gone. So there we were standing in fromt of Hillcrest and I said we could go left or right but the school was in front over the fence and then there was a wall. Guess which way we went? Through the wall of course (note that given the option a therapist will always make you go through the wall!) and I swear this is true there was a meadow through the wall! One of those dreamy lush rolling meadows with wild flowers and a tree on the hill.

The point to all this is that sometime there is going to be a wall, it might be literal or metaphorical, but either way, I believe, if you're looking for answers that is, you're going to end up there...at the wall. Go ahead, go through it...don't worry if you end up in the blue tiled bathroom, cuz after you flush the toilet you can go to the pretty meadow.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

The places I've been


Like most I’m always looking for understanding about who I am. Of course, to know who you are (and thus where you’re going) requires some examination of where one started. As such, here is an elementary (and annotated) list of the places I have been;

  • In my tree fort (no girlz allowed)
  • Floating in the river behind my house (homemade rafts were always the best)
  • Hitch-hiking on Route 66 from Chicago to LA (I thought I was the great adventurer)
  • Passed out on a sidewalk (beer than liquor ... never sicker)
  • To my father’s graveside ( though it took me another 30 yrs to actually bury him)
  • In a dirt garage lifting weights (with the serious juice heads)
  • In lots of fancy athletic clubs lifting weights (with the disco tits boiz)
  • On the overnight train from Paris to Florence (and I was still late for class)
  • Hiking a hillside near Pisa(nirvana with a crusty loaf and aqua con gas)
  • Camping naked (the full monty)
  • On a 100 mile canoe trip (who knew I could kneel that long)
  • Playing right field (I still can’t catch)
  • In a rehab hospital (it was completely about the drama)
  • To five schools of higher learning (but only received 2 degrees)
  • The Millennium March on DC and “The Wedding” at the Lincoln Memorial (the former an unfuckingbelievable success…the latter a personal failure)
  • To the closing of the Monster in Key West (it was all about decadence)
  • On either side of a soup line both have their rewards)
  • To too many funerals (know your sero-status and the status of those you sleep with)
  • On my knees giving thanks and asking help (find Something to believe in)
  • To tea dances and t-rooms (when they were fresh and when they got old)
  • Quadrilatero d’oro in Milan (truly excessive, who did I think I was?)
  • To AA, NA, CMA, and SCA meetings (and at last I understand how it works)
  • In a classroom – teaching and learning (again both have their rewards)
  • To Burning Man (without the assistance of any mind altering stimulus)
  • To therapy (sincere effort will enable genuine change)
  • To all the places I’ve ever needed to go. (admittedly, unaware of the fundamental lessons and too aware of the superfluous)

My philosophy can generally be summed up by the following creed; eat good food, be humble, embrace truth, challenge hate, put in more than you take, test fear, laugh at yourself whenever possible, dance regularly, find your courage, seize faith & live