mortality

Funny how life hands ya a curve ball now and then isn't it? I found out something about myself today that I just wasn't thinking about. It doesn't matter what it is, for the sake of this musing, just that it changed my perspective about everything. Well perhaps not as eye opening as finally understanding I was an addict...but here I was at the Doctors office not knowing what to feel, think, or do! Ya know what I decided? That it ain't nothing that I can do now except...accept!


...I realized that the only thing I could do was accept life, resolve to make the world a little bit nicer, be kind to animals, kids and old people, help a friend and be honest.

behind the door

There is a certain confidence that children have. I guess we are born with it…and until someone rejects us for the first time we never think that someone would turn us down. But then when it happens the seed is planted. And over time with enough repetition, enough rejection that confidence wanes, it withdraws into a dark corner fearful of repeated beatings. With some people the seed never grows, they just take the "no" in stride and move on, building strength and determination. Others will nurture that seed, water it, coddle it and it will grow. The seed of uncertainty, that "less-than" hesitation that prevents them from responding with certainty in most social situations is in charge.

That was how my life was. Having no confidence is like being locked behind a door. I knew there was a key, I knew there was a keyhole and I knew that there had to be a way to find them both and open the damn door! But as luck, fate, providence, kismet or whatever you call it, would have it I was given another chance. A chance to live my life differently…all I had to do was choose. And I was given the key, and shown the keyhole. I was even told how to turn the doorknob. It took some work, some honesty, some time. But when I opened that door I found my smile, my heart, some trust and my confidence.

working in

I'm more conscious recently of my potential to attract men. I can't say that I never noticed men paying attention to me, flirting or whatever. But generally speaking the men that usually made advances were…umm…men of dubious character. Perhaps the places I hung out were places that attracted a certain character of men, lol. The big difference today is that I have more confidence. So, I am more willing to approach men, that before now, I thought were out of my league. The funny thing is that most of these guys are just as afraid to approach me and not in any league, except maybe a softball league! I've never considered myself extraordinary in the "looks" department, just sorta average at best. And, despite the time I spend at the gym I thought the same about my body –fair to middling.

What I've learned is this…the more effort that I put into my insides the more satisfied I am that my outsides are good enough. Good enough to allow me an acceptable level of comfort when walking up to another guy and saying "hi, my name is Monty. You caught my attention and I wanted to introduce myself."

That's the real secret isn't it…the amount of effort that I spend on my insides should be equal to or greater than the effort I spend on my outsides.

to do list

I found this list in Men's Journal of things I gotta do (+ acouple I added) before…well I gotta do!

1. Climb an active volcano
2. Drive a Ferrari…in Italy
3. Record your own record
4. Build your own house
5. Get shipwrecked…can I do this with Daniel Craig?
6. Witness a revolution
7. Go winter camping
8. Drive from Monaco to Nice…in a convertible
9. Raft the Grand Canyon
10. Try the blowfish
11. Hike the Appalachian Trail, or at least part of it.
12. See the sunset from Key West
13. Learn a language
14. Go vegetarian for a month
15. Try yoga for a week
16. Machu Picchu, Great Wall, Pyramids
17. Heli-Ski Valdez
18. Climb from Yosemite Valley to Tuolumne Meadows
19. Sleep in a tropical rain forest
20. Work for what you believe in
21. Go to Burning Man
22. Eat a living thing
23. Explore the Far East
24. Rescue a dog
25. Make front page news
26. Learn to sail
27. See the night sky from the Southern Hemisphere
28. Go 12 days without texting
29. Go to Burning Man, again
30. Volunteer
31. Crash A Black Tie event
32. London, Paris, Rome, Barcelona

my neurotransmitters

All my life I've heard one thing, always the same thing…"if you would pay attention you could accomplish so much" ... I've wondered for a long time what the problem was and I finally decided to ask someone…and this was what I found out…my problem is chemical…my neurotransmitters don't talk to each other! Bad neurotransmitters! And the professionals call this ADHD which includes, among others, these cause and effects;

ADHD - Problems with attention, impulsivity and hyperactivity

Hyperactivity/restlessness: Due to motor activity, not anxiety. These people crave excitement and stimulation.

Communication: Meaningful relationships. However, personal relationships may be difficult and uncertain. Because of egocentricity, poor focus, distractibility, intolerance, etc.

Impatience: Constantly frustrated and crave instant gratification

Excessive behavior: 1) talking due to anxiety, not hyperactivity 2) alcohol/ drugs to self-medicate for anxiety (marijuana popular as it gives a sense of relaxation) 3) movement due to anxiety, not hyperactivity

Go figure :)

verbs

some verbs to consider..

dare
learn
meditate
grow
challenge
seek
endeavor
fail
protest
explore
trust
embrace
imagine
believe
give
accept
dream
dance
laugh
cry
share
love
change
grieve
remember
live!

living

I had a chance recently to sit with my teacher. We talked about lots of things - kind of a freefall of conversation. During the conversation I spoke about a fear I have. That fear is that I will live to be 90 years old. I favor my mother's side of the family and they live long. So unless for some reason I am invited to meet my maker a few years early I'm fearful that I will reach that age and find myself alone and old (duh). We sat for a minute and then she asked me to recall my friends and family that were gone. My friends lost to AIDS. My friends lost to addiction, or those who had just been lost too early in their lives. My dad died at 58, my brother is lost in addiction. There are so many that are gone, too many. So she suggested that what better way to honor them then to live life to the absolute fullest. To grasp for everything life had to offer, to enjoy everyone and everything I had the chance to enjoy. To live life for those who could not. To not waste a single moment of the 35 years I have left. Ya know that's a lot of dancing, laughing, eating, and loving. It's a lot of reaching out to others who need help. It's a lot of learning and a lot of teaching. So I say to those of you that are reading this – live! It doesn't matter what you fear - don't let it steal one more minute of your life. Live for all those you have lost. Wouldn't you expect the same from those you one day will leave behind?

my brother

My brother is a crack addict. He lives on the street in New Orleans. He has done some things that some might consider unforgivable and despicable. But, he is my brother and I love him. I pray for him everyday. I pray that he should be warm and have food. I pray that he find some place safe to lay his head down at night. And I pray that he might ask for help. That's all I can do for him. I have to accept that he is sick and that unless he wants help I cannot force him to take it from me. But I can love him until he can love himself. Being an addict I know that until I was ready to surrender I could find no hope. I had to want to live more than I wanted to die. But once I honestly made that choice everything changed. Not overnight, but it changed. Maybe today my brother will have the courage to make that choice…and maybe not. It's his choice, not mine.

clear

Clear. How long can you stay in the moment? In this very minute could you remove all thought of the next moment…or next week? It's hard, sometimes impossible, to stay present. Everyday it's easier for me to stay out of the past...resentment, disappointment, regret...they hang in the past. But the future, next month, next week, tomorrow even two minutes from now…it's hard as hell for me to stay out of the future. Anticipation, anxiety, expectation, fear…they live in the future. They are the company I keep when I hang out in the future. Awareness of this moment frees me from those companions, allows me to really live! If I can be conscious of not where I am but when I am, perhaps I can then be conscious of my choices. I might make those choices count. Can you live in this extraordinary moment?