What to do when there are no walls..

I'm at a spot...I pushed through a wall and ended up in the bathroom, pushed forward and hit another wall that opened to a meadow but then where?

I was thinking it represented freedom - but what is freedom? Freedom from what or who? I thought freedom from responsibility, but I'm challenged by my Teacher (aka therapist - but isn't she helping me to learn?) to consider that there is no freedom from responsibility..huh?

I'm realizing this is true, responsibility is what brings peace. Think about this, if I'm taking care of myself, clothing myself, feeding myself, protecting myself from physical harm this is responsibility. But, there is more than physical responsibility - there is financial responsibility, moral responsibility, familial responsibility, social, civic, platonic, spiritual, emotional...well you get the point, without responsibility, well, there's not much. So how can I have any real peace, satisfaction, serenity, joy, happiness whatever you're searching for without  - responsibility. In my search I cannot deny that I have to embrace responsibility - yes, even the more mundane responsibilities like paying bills - in order to move closer to finding the questions.

 

And how can anyone find an answer unless they first know the question?.

 

So here's my next question - why am I afraid of money?

 

What, if any, is the relationship of money to my success?

 

If I mismanage my finances does my mismanagement affect my success?

 

past the bathroom into the meadow

For a while I've been seeing a therapist. She pokes and peeks and prods and looks for stuff I've tucked away. Most of what she's looking for is the stuff I have either forgotten about or buried under layers of distorted memories, shame, remorse and the usual psychohooha that mindful prospectors like her pick up, roll around in their hands and toss to the side - the stuff I think is potentially valuable! Of course these are the little treasures I have carefully constructed, albeit somewhat unconsciously, to distract me from, well me. My therapist stumbled across a vein today, I'm not 100% sure how she found it, perhaps she wasn't so sure either, but she persistently scraped away the debris confident that there was an authentic relic within reach. We trudged into the dark and hit a wall. I wasn't afraid of the dark just didn't see beyond, but damned if she didn't hand me a pick and patiently waited for me to bust through. When I finally got through we were in in my blue tiled bathroom on Hillcrest? Huh? I ruminated about what had brought me to Tallahassee and that blue bathroom...what I had lost or given away to arrive in this tiny tiled room...finally ending up on that day I got sober. Only this time instead of flushing pot down the toilet I flushed my fear of success. Don't judge I'm still a little uncomfortable acknowledging that I have this fear. Anyway, we left the little bathroom and went out to the parking lot of the building. When I first walked out the door there were cars and even the U-Haul from when I moved...then poof they were gone. So there we were standing in fromt of Hillcrest and I said we could go left or right but the school was in front over the fence and then there was a wall. Guess which way we went? Through the wall of course (note that given the option a therapist will always make you go through the wall!) and I swear this is true there was a meadow through the wall! One of those dreamy lush rolling meadows with wild flowers and a tree on the hill.

The point to all this is that sometime there is going to be a wall, it might be literal or metaphorical, but either way, I believe, if you're looking for answers that is, you're going to end up there...at the wall. Go ahead, go through it...don't worry if you end up in the blue tiled bathroom, cuz after you flush the toilet you can go to the pretty meadow.

The places I've been

Like most I’m always looking for understanding about who I am. Of course, to know who you are (and thus where you’re going) requires some examination of where one started. As such, here is an elementary (and annotated) list of the places I have been;

• In my tree fort (no girlz allowed)

• Floating in the river behind my house (homemade rafts were always the best)

• Hitch-hiking on Route 66 from Chicago to LA (I thought I was the great adventurer)

• Passed out on a sidewalk (beer than liquor ... never sicker)

• To my father’s graveside ( though it took me another 30 yrs to actually bury him)

• In a dirt garage lifting weights (with the serious juice heads)

• In lots of fancy athletic clubs lifting weights (with the disco tits boiz)

• On the overnight train from Paris to Florence (and I was still late for class)

• Hiking a hillside near Pisa(nirvana with a crusty loaf and aqua con gas)

• Camping naked (the full monty)

• On a 100 mile canoe trip (who knew I could kneel that long)

• Playing right field (I still can’t catch)

• In a rehab hospital (it was completely about the drama)

• To five schools of higher learning (but only received 2 degrees)

• The Millennium March on DC and “The Wedding” at the Lincoln Memorial (the former an unfuckingbelievable success…the latter a personal failure)

• To the closing of the Monster in Key West (it was all about decadence)

• On either side of a soup line both have their rewards)

• To too many funerals (know your sero-status and the status of those you sleep with)

• On my knees giving thanks and asking help (find Something to believe in)

• To tea dances and t-rooms (when they were fresh and when they got old)

• Quadrilatero d’oro in Milan (truly excessive, who did I think I was?)

• To AA, NA, CMA, and SCA meetings (and at last I understand how it works)

• In a classroom – teaching and learning (again both have their rewards)

• To Burning Man (without the assistance of any mind altering stimulus)

• To therapy (sincere effort will enable genuine change)

• To all the places I’ve ever needed to go. (admittedly, unaware of the fundamental lessons and too aware of the superfluous)

My philosophy can generally be summed up by the following creed; eat good food, be humble, embrace truth, challenge hate, put in more than you take, test fear, laugh at yourself whenever possible, dance regularly, find your courage, seize faith & live

wtf...

A couple years ago my mother had an accident that compromised her neurological system and necessitated regular live in care. We have family living in the same city as she does that was unable/unwilling to assume the care so I left my job and moved to FL to care for her. It was a choice I made without hesitation when it became obvious no one else wanted the task. She and I have made a lot of progress (both in our own ways...lol) over the last couple years and she is no longer confined to a wheeelchair and while we've debated a lot on her caloric intake she has put on some healthy weight and gained some strength. She made enough progress that I returned to a fulltime job so I could get insurance for myself and add to her social security we lived on for the last couple years. When I took a FT job we asked an adult woman who was new to sobriety to help out. I'm clean for 6 yrs and knew this woman though her sober mom. She made a deal with her mom who offered her a safe place in her home as long as she was serious about staying clean and actively particiapted in her own recovery. 10 days ago she was arrested for possession during a weekend jaunt to her old stomping grounds 4 hours away. To be honest I was initially pissed as shit. I felt betrayed and further it caused my mother some emotional sadness that I didn't want to see her endure. After a couple days though I've moved through my intial anger to accept the fact that what really made me mad was the inconvenience it was going to cause me! Funny how the selfish child in me is never very far from the surface.
Today I feel for this woman and hope that somehow she can find the courage to humbly accept the reality of her choices and move forward without a crack pipe.

entitlement

What I want to know is when did we become such a self-absorbed society of entitled boobs? It seems everywhere I turn theres another example of this boorish trend.

On the eplaya (a forum of e-burners - those Burning Man residents who congregate online the other 51 weeks of the year) there currently is a plethora of topics regarding a new system for tickets that has everyone (or a small vocal bunch) befuddled. There is a recurring sentiment that some of authors feel that because they have participated before, or they are artists or they have purple hair they should recieve some kind of special treatment. I don't necessarily disagree with the idea that their historic support has made recurring years possible. But I would pose this question " would the event not have occured if you had not been present?" Yeah, it would have happened...in case you didn't know the answer to that question. Sure your participation is meaningful, but from a community standpoint is it anymore significant then the person who has been present 2 yrs or 4 yrs. Is it more significant than the virgin from last year, or the volunteers?

This is one of many examples of the selfish behavior we all run into each day. I'm getting kind of tired of it and have decided that, in as polite a way as possible, remind these people that we are all in this together. I'm not better or worse than you and deserve no more or less than you. Of course, if you have more money or have a more aggressive or creative approach to a situation you could get the advantage. But don't pull that I'm entitled crap with me - it won't fly!

I'm still just saying...

...which is harder... to figure out what you want...or asking for it!

perhaps it is a matter of perspective?

mine? I think figuring out what I want has always been the harder!

my hope? when I do figure it out, that I have the courage to ask for it!

Burning Man reality

I seem to be having a hard time NOT thinking about Burning Man. I don't remember when I first heard about it...sometime when i was living in DC, in the late '90's I seem to recall, though the specifics elude me. I do recall that I was recently sober and my sober strongly advised not going as it was nothing more than a drug party. I know that during those years, and perhaps more of my life than I care to admit, I tried not to think for myself if possible. It's clear that it was the suggestion I needed at the time.  But over the last 10 years I have learned a lot about thinking for myself, I have made a ridiculous number of mistakes, but they were MY mistakes. And they've helped me become an adult, finally, at the age of 58.

A couple months ago BM popped up on my radar again..I don't recall how it happened but within 24 hours I discoverd for the first time that there were sober camps and even better there were gay sober camps. And a few weeks later I put out a plan to the universe...I would go to my first burn in 2012!!! It's out there now and I believe the stars , moons, gods...whatever... have aligned this way because I need to go. I have no real expectations about what to expect, well I do expect my life will change...more accurately I believe my life will begin.

I have some fear about all this. My greatest fear is that I won't go. I don't put to much stock in coincidence, at least coincidence with no apparent connection. I think that life offers up opportunities that we take or decline. I think this is my opportunity, that BM is an adventure that I need to take...repeat...NEED to take. My only other real fear is not having enough money. I try to put a little aside each week and have a loose plan on how to accomplish little goals toward the end goal...like first buy a ticket..a tent...gas money...I know that as I achieve each small goal the adventure will evolve before me and before long it will be August 2012 and I'll be heading into my life.

wandering

It seems, sometimes, that life is not quite as complicated as I make it. I don't think I am unique in this regard.  I overthink and analyze circumstances presented making them seem much more complex than they are.

Rationally there are perhaps infinte choices regarding most aspects I stand before, but if I listen to that "inner voice", ya know the one...that gut feeling about right or wrong...I suspect most decisions are not too hard. Fear can paralyze me when I try to decide which of those choices will provide the easiest outcome or more accurately...the least amount of work or conflict.

...What if???... becomes the mainstay during those moments....what if... I decide to do "this" and xyz happens, or so & so thinks less of me, or...well you get the picture. Meanwhile, the opportunity for real choice evaporates and I'm left with a default choice (usually a choice made for me from lack of my non-choosing) which invariably leads to... "if only"... !!

All this leads to two things...(1) resent or regret over missed opportunity
                                              (2) fear of future opportunity. - future opportunity = a new choice!

hmmmm....regret or fear? Not much of a way to live, is it?

change

There is an incredible amount of information available to anyone who wants to "change". But what is it that any of us wants to change... that makes a difference? For me I thought I wanted to be someone else...to feel accomplished or successful or important. The intersting thing I 've learned was if I honestly looked at my motives and the dream I was chasing the end result I desired was to be some form of superficial embodiment...none of which would bring me happiness. When I deconstruct, scrutinize or otherwise analyze those I would want to be I realize I don't truly know more than what is presented. Pain, shame, insecurities are not something most people wear on the outside except in extremes, so the idols I venerate, like most humans, suffer with their own demons and defaults.

So I'm left with this...if I determined what I needed to realize real happiness then perhaps I would then know what had to change. Ergo the only thing I need to change is my understanding of happiness. If happiness is the absence of misery and misery is defined as wretchedness of condition or circumstances then my life could be defined as happy. Iam not without challenges...but I have a job I like ...alot! And I have friends who love and respect me and want to be in my company. and...most importantly...I have family that love me for who I am and what I beleive in. Not a bad deal as those are the things that last, the things that matter...to me.

Perhaps you might value other things and that's ok, as long as I keep in mind that I don't have to subscribe to those values...OR....hold my values up to them for comparison. It's worth mentioning that I will stay happier if I neither judged your idea of happiness as better...or worse...than my own...mine is mine...yours is yours.

to do list

I found this list in Men's Journal of things I gotta do (+ acouple I added) before…well I gotta do!

1. Climb an active volcano
2. Drive a Ferrari…in Italy
3. Record your own record
4. Build your own house
5. Get shipwrecked…can I do this with Daniel Craig?
6. Witness a revolution
7. Go winter camping
8. Drive from Monaco to Nice…in a convertible
9. Raft the Grand Canyon
10. Try the blowfish
11. Hike the Appalachian Trail, or at least part of it.
12. See the sunset from Key West
13. Learn a language
14. Go vegetarian for a month
15. Try yoga for a week
16. Machu Picchu, Great Wall, Pyramids
17. Heli-Ski Valdez
18. Climb from Yosemite Valley to Tuolumne Meadows
19. Sleep in a tropical rain forest
20. Work for what you believe in
21. Go to Burning Man
22. Eat a living thing
23. Explore the Far East
24. Rescue a dog
25. Make front page news
26. Learn to sail
27. See the night sky from the Southern Hemisphere
28. Go 12 days without texting
29. Go to Burning Man, again
30. Volunteer
31. Crash A Black Tie event
32. London, Paris, Rome, Barcelona