What to do when there are no walls..

I'm at a spot...I pushed through a wall and ended up in the bathroom, pushed forward and hit another wall that opened to a meadow but then where?

I was thinking it represented freedom - but what is freedom? Freedom from what or who? I thought freedom from responsibility, but I'm challenged by my Teacher (aka therapist - but isn't she helping me to learn?) to consider that there is no freedom from responsibility..huh?

I'm realizing this is true, responsibility is what brings peace. Think about this, if I'm taking care of myself, clothing myself, feeding myself, protecting myself from physical harm this is responsibility. But, there is more than physical responsibility - there is financial responsibility, moral responsibility, familial responsibility, social, civic, platonic, spiritual, emotional...well you get the point, without responsibility, well, there's not much. So how can I have any real peace, satisfaction, serenity, joy, happiness whatever you're searching for without  - responsibility. In my search I cannot deny that I have to embrace responsibility - yes, even the more mundane responsibilities like paying bills - in order to move closer to finding the questions.

 

And how can anyone find an answer unless they first know the question?.

 

So here's my next question - why am I afraid of money?

 

What, if any, is the relationship of money to my success?

 

If I mismanage my finances does my mismanagement affect my success?

 

past the bathroom into the meadow

For a while I've been seeing a therapist. She pokes and peeks and prods and looks for stuff I've tucked away. Most of what she's looking for is the stuff I have either forgotten about or buried under layers of distorted memories, shame, remorse and the usual psychohooha that mindful prospectors like her pick up, roll around in their hands and toss to the side - the stuff I think is potentially valuable! Of course these are the little treasures I have carefully constructed, albeit somewhat unconsciously, to distract me from, well me. My therapist stumbled across a vein today, I'm not 100% sure how she found it, perhaps she wasn't so sure either, but she persistently scraped away the debris confident that there was an authentic relic within reach. We trudged into the dark and hit a wall. I wasn't afraid of the dark just didn't see beyond, but damned if she didn't hand me a pick and patiently waited for me to bust through. When I finally got through we were in in my blue tiled bathroom on Hillcrest? Huh? I ruminated about what had brought me to Tallahassee and that blue bathroom...what I had lost or given away to arrive in this tiny tiled room...finally ending up on that day I got sober. Only this time instead of flushing pot down the toilet I flushed my fear of success. Don't judge I'm still a little uncomfortable acknowledging that I have this fear. Anyway, we left the little bathroom and went out to the parking lot of the building. When I first walked out the door there were cars and even the U-Haul from when I moved...then poof they were gone. So there we were standing in fromt of Hillcrest and I said we could go left or right but the school was in front over the fence and then there was a wall. Guess which way we went? Through the wall of course (note that given the option a therapist will always make you go through the wall!) and I swear this is true there was a meadow through the wall! One of those dreamy lush rolling meadows with wild flowers and a tree on the hill.

The point to all this is that sometime there is going to be a wall, it might be literal or metaphorical, but either way, I believe, if you're looking for answers that is, you're going to end up there...at the wall. Go ahead, go through it...don't worry if you end up in the blue tiled bathroom, cuz after you flush the toilet you can go to the pretty meadow.

The places I've been

Like most I’m always looking for understanding about who I am. Of course, to know who you are (and thus where you’re going) requires some examination of where one started. As such, here is an elementary (and annotated) list of the places I have been;

• In my tree fort (no girlz allowed)

• Floating in the river behind my house (homemade rafts were always the best)

• Hitch-hiking on Route 66 from Chicago to LA (I thought I was the great adventurer)

• Passed out on a sidewalk (beer than liquor ... never sicker)

• To my father’s graveside ( though it took me another 30 yrs to actually bury him)

• In a dirt garage lifting weights (with the serious juice heads)

• In lots of fancy athletic clubs lifting weights (with the disco tits boiz)

• On the overnight train from Paris to Florence (and I was still late for class)

• Hiking a hillside near Pisa(nirvana with a crusty loaf and aqua con gas)

• Camping naked (the full monty)

• On a 100 mile canoe trip (who knew I could kneel that long)

• Playing right field (I still can’t catch)

• In a rehab hospital (it was completely about the drama)

• To five schools of higher learning (but only received 2 degrees)

• The Millennium March on DC and “The Wedding” at the Lincoln Memorial (the former an unfuckingbelievable success…the latter a personal failure)

• To the closing of the Monster in Key West (it was all about decadence)

• On either side of a soup line both have their rewards)

• To too many funerals (know your sero-status and the status of those you sleep with)

• On my knees giving thanks and asking help (find Something to believe in)

• To tea dances and t-rooms (when they were fresh and when they got old)

• Quadrilatero d’oro in Milan (truly excessive, who did I think I was?)

• To AA, NA, CMA, and SCA meetings (and at last I understand how it works)

• In a classroom – teaching and learning (again both have their rewards)

• To Burning Man (without the assistance of any mind altering stimulus)

• To therapy (sincere effort will enable genuine change)

• To all the places I’ve ever needed to go. (admittedly, unaware of the fundamental lessons and too aware of the superfluous)

My philosophy can generally be summed up by the following creed; eat good food, be humble, embrace truth, challenge hate, put in more than you take, test fear, laugh at yourself whenever possible, dance regularly, find your courage, seize faith & live

after the Burn

It's been 12 days since the Man burned. And a week since I came back to my "real"world. I suddenly feel so alone. Of course, I have my mom, who I take care of and, who was happy that I had such an unbelievable time. I have my co-workers who were glad to have me back at work and reveled in my tales from the unknown. But I'm empty without my friends, the first real friends I've had in years. The adventure, in retrospect, feels more like a dream. You know the kind where you're in a fantastical place, surrounded by your family and friends but you don't recognize them? You know they can be trusted, they love you and yet they're strangers. Strangers in the sense that you know their spirit - you feel connected to it - but somehow you know so very little of who they are. Where did they come from? Go to school? What about their family? Jobs? Passions? Disappointments? How did they end up in the same place at the same time? I feel kinda cheated that I know so little...that despite the enormity of the adventure that I didn't get a chance to learn more about these people I love. That I only got to live, really live, with them for one brilliant moment that was over before it even started. And then there was my own personal adventure, I barely had a chance to see anything...there was so much to do and I didn't have enough time!! Never enough time....
But before it seems that I sound dissatisfied...let me assure you that I had the most remarkable journey. Yes it was like a dream but it was more than in color in was in PANAVISION! in TECHNICOLOR! in CINEMASCOPE!!! It felt like the first time I stepped into Times Square times 10. The daytime was for embracing my community, for learning something about them or laughing or just chilling. The nighttime was when the city got an injection of adrenaline! If it was a breathing organism in the daytime it became a hyperventilating explosion of light and sound at night. Even the most focused person suffered from attention deficit disorder once the sun slipped behind the mountains. All of my senses were heightened but mostly the auditory and visual senses Perhaps the dryness of the area impaired my sense of touch, taste and smell. It was like every drip of moisture was sucked from my hands. My mouth full of dust or masked and my nostrils haven for indestructible concrete boogers! And I was ALIVE!There was no direction to turn that wasn't filled with lights and sound. I was disoriented almost every night until I found the big orange Safety Cone at the 3:00 portal - and lost the last night when it suddenly disappeared taunting me for not securing a second landmark! I danced and danced as if no one was watching at Robot Heart and Bump Bed...where did they come from I didn't understand just that the music pulled me in and wouldn't let me go till I was sweaty and spent.
And the Burns...the Core burns, Anubis, the Temple and the Man can anyone describe the sensation? You're probably a better writer than I am...
When can I go back home...?

next steps

Well I registered for my ticket! I looked over the form like 20 times after I registered before I hit send!!! And by the end of the day had convinced myself that I had enteredd somethng wrong..of course I didn't but until I get the confirmation that I have been awarded a ticket I'll be convinced that I said I live in Timbuktu...Next on my agenda of must do's is to decide about where to camp? It probably doesn't have to be the next decision, but it will give me something to get excited about while I save for my airline ticket. Up until recently I was pretty certain that I would camp with a group of gay sober people. But there seems to be a lack of activity on that user group, which undoubtly will change as the event draws near. However, since I've been on the eplaya I've connected with several people who stay in Barbie Death Camp and the "mayor" of that village asked me if I wanted to join their group of "ne'er-do-wells"!! I've been up and down on this thought..more up than down. First off, this is not a group of sober people...in all honesty they are the antithesist of sober..a hedonistic group of Bacchus revelers is perhaps a more apropos definition. Be that as it may is a small group of sober or non party people who, coincidently, are the same group I have found myself drawn to in the first place. So now I believe that I would prefer to camp with them in the depths of insanity...lol. I'm honestly not worried about my sobriety. I have been honest with myself about my intentions since I first decided to go. I'm aware of the potential for using at an event like this. But if I was going to use I could do it anywhere...
I will delay my decision until after I am awarded my ticket but we both know which camp I'll choose....don't we?

Ticket

Whoa! Well the holidays are over. This year was one of nicest I've had in I don't know how long. Maybe it was because this year I didn't have any expectations. Save making sure the holiday was good for mom. She had a great time, the family came to visit on Christmas day...no one thought about food or anything which was good because I had made sure there was enough and then some. In fact there was enough for them to all take something home!
But now it's time for TICKETS! That's right Burning Man 2012 main sale tickets go on sale in a few days! I'm trying to decide if I will go for it all and just register for all three tiers...or rather be prepared to pay up to the highest amount for a ticket! It means that if I should get a ticket at that level I will pay over $400, including S&H or whatever extra they charge over the cost of the ticket. The middle tier is $320 which would give me 25,000 chances to win a space. However if I kick it up to $390 it gives me an additional 15,000 chances or 40K. I could still win a spot at the lowest tier but:
Q: How do I increase my chances of getting a ticket in the Main Sale?A: You can increase your chances by opting into all the pricing tiers. (We believe, based on many years of analyzing supply and demand, that most participants will find they are able to access a ticket on an acceptable timeline.)
I figure as this is my first year I am willing to make some sacrifices in other areas to increase my chances. Or conversely if someone said "well you could have had a ticket if you had only agreed to pay another $70..." well...I'd be kinda disappointed. The bottom line then...how bad do I wanna go? The answer? Pretty bad! If by chance I don't get a ticket I will at least know that I tried as best I could. And isn't hat the way to apprioach anything? Doing the best ya can...

remember

wtf...

A couple years ago my mother had an accident that compromised her neurological system and necessitated regular live in care. We have family living in the same city as she does that was unable/unwilling to assume the care so I left my job and moved to FL to care for her. It was a choice I made without hesitation when it became obvious no one else wanted the task. She and I have made a lot of progress (both in our own ways...lol) over the last couple years and she is no longer confined to a wheeelchair and while we've debated a lot on her caloric intake she has put on some healthy weight and gained some strength. She made enough progress that I returned to a fulltime job so I could get insurance for myself and add to her social security we lived on for the last couple years. When I took a FT job we asked an adult woman who was new to sobriety to help out. I'm clean for 6 yrs and knew this woman though her sober mom. She made a deal with her mom who offered her a safe place in her home as long as she was serious about staying clean and actively particiapted in her own recovery. 10 days ago she was arrested for possession during a weekend jaunt to her old stomping grounds 4 hours away. To be honest I was initially pissed as shit. I felt betrayed and further it caused my mother some emotional sadness that I didn't want to see her endure. After a couple days though I've moved through my intial anger to accept the fact that what really made me mad was the inconvenience it was going to cause me! Funny how the selfish child in me is never very far from the surface.
Today I feel for this woman and hope that somehow she can find the courage to humbly accept the reality of her choices and move forward without a crack pipe.

not today

Overall I consider myself a pretty chill guy. I have plenty of faults and a generous amount of great attributes. I struggle more than some people and coast more than others. But every once in a while for what seems no apparent reason I just want to say fuck off! Not to life or any one in particular, well sometimes it's someone special (like this time)...but every once in a rare moment I just wanna say fuck off! When I find myself in that moment I don't always know it, just little telltale signs start to surface and I catch myself being unreasonably short or even rude. Maybe not short or rude by your standards but by mine. I found myself there today, and it took me like three or seven hours to figure out what lit the match...the fuckin IRS. I have some small ( I mean like minor...like less than $1000) problems from like 8 years ago and the IRS, as it can't seem to hit up the 1% for their errors, go after little guys like me...fuck I make like nothing and I take care of my mother and they're taking like more than half of my pay trying to get my attention. Yes, dumb ass, I'm listening! The thing that makes me the most irritable is that I know that it is a situation that I ought to have dealt with, well, like 8 yars ago...but still...it corks me!

why or how?

rant

I've been avoiding the eplaya for the last few days and I just figured out why! I was getting tired of all the boohooing about the new system they organizers are trying for ticket sales. It's a lottery of sorts and to listen to some of the people on there you'd think that someone had told them sorry you can't go! The way I understand it, there is going to be a pre-sale in December and then an open registration in Jan. You pick a price tier, the price you think you want to pay, and then there's a drawing and if you're name is selected then you get a ticket! Bear in mind there are like 50,000 tickets and while it sold out last year it took till June to do so.  The price has apparently gone up (what hasn't) so of course everyone is crying about that too! I guess I understand that if you've been going for several years it might be disappointing if your name isn't chosen but come on...grow a pair and get over it! I'm confident that there will be a fair chance for everyone to go and I'm truly not sweating it, cause I believe I'll score a ticket, dunno why but I'll register in Jan for a ticket I can afford and then wait for confirmation. But, in the event I don't...well I don't. Perhaps missing the event won't be as hard on me because I've never been and this is to be first year and I don't really know what I'll be misiing. But honestly there are a ridiculous amount of posts regarding this topic!!! WTF! If I wasn't sure the boohooers were the minority I'd be wondering if this was the place for me. Fortunately I've had the opportunity to trade barbs with some cool people who I think represent the majority of Burners...not entirely supporting the new approach but willing to give it a try. Chill people. Most of them trying to get people to relax and let the ball roll, pointing to the obvious waste of time getting all bound up for nothing! Ok thats my rant, more or less. I figured it would be saner to get it out here rather than make everyone read ALL THIS!
Peace

psssst...revisited

I posted this secret one time a couple years ago...and I forgot how valuable a secret it is. So if you missed it (and I suspect as no one probably reads this) I'll say it again...

...ya wanna know the secret...give it all away! give away everything that is important...it's not yours to hang onto anyway. give away your smiles, your love, your truth, your hope, your joy, your dreams...give it all away!!!!! just imagine what would happen if everyone did that..geez what would you do if at every corner at every minute someone was giving you their smile... or their hope... or their love...wouldn't that be cool!??

...which is harder... to figure out what you want...or asking for it!

perhaps it is a matter of perspective?

mine? I think figuring out what I want has always been the harder!

my hope? when I do figure it out, that I have the courage to ask for it!

ya gotta do it...

ya gotta do it!

Burning Man reality

I seem to be having a hard time NOT thinking about Burning Man. I don't remember when I first heard about it...sometime when i was living in DC, in the late '90's I seem to recall, though the specifics elude me. I do recall that I was recently sober and my sober strongly advised not going as it was nothing more than a drug party. I know that during those years, and perhaps more of my life than I care to admit, I tried not to think for myself if possible. It's clear that it was the suggestion I needed at the time.  But over the last 10 years I have learned a lot about thinking for myself, I have made a ridiculous number of mistakes, but they were MY mistakes. And they've helped me become an adult, finally, at the age of 58.

A couple months ago BM popped up on my radar again..I don't recall how it happened but within 24 hours I discoverd for the first time that there were sober camps and even better there were gay sober camps. And a few weeks later I put out a plan to the universe...I would go to my first burn in 2012!!! It's out there now and I believe the stars , moons, gods...whatever... have aligned this way because I need to go. I have no real expectations about what to expect, well I do expect my life will change...more accurately I believe my life will begin.

I have some fear about all this. My greatest fear is that I won't go. I don't put to much stock in coincidence, at least coincidence with no apparent connection. I think that life offers up opportunities that we take or decline. I think this is my opportunity, that BM is an adventure that I need to take...repeat...NEED to take. My only other real fear is not having enough money. I try to put a little aside each week and have a loose plan on how to accomplish little goals toward the end goal...like first buy a ticket..a tent...gas money...I know that as I achieve each small goal the adventure will evolve before me and before long it will be August 2012 and I'll be heading into my life.

BM volunteering

I've been giving some more thought to volunteering at BM 2012. The official (?) recommendation is that it's not suggested the first year...but I like volunteering. It gives me a sense of belonging, purpose without which I feel like a visitor or guest or worse yet leech...lol! I'm comfortable helping people, a caretaker socioligists call it, so why not let what comes naturally do it's thing! Lamplighters and Exodus are still the top runners.

There's something about the ceremony of Lamplighters as well as the regularlity. It's the same time every afternoon; 5pm. My ADHD likes schedules and repetition! :) There appears to be a certain level of camradrie amongst the Lamplighters which is cool as I'm doing this thing solo and it would give me a chance to meet other people...not that I think meeting people will even be a remote possibility with 50,000 like minded people surrounding me!!!

The other options is Exodus which has potential for being a bigger commitment but also to minimize the anxiety connected to egress..blame it on the ADHD again...lol...but I have a tendency to get a little crazy waiting in lines. I've heard that the exodus is another part of the expereince and that there are "neighborhoods" that spring in the wait. The whole thing is staged and so these little neighborhoods last for like an hour at a time and the entire exodus can take 7 hours or longer so theres some fun to be had on the way out. All that being said I believe I might fare better helping coordinate a happy egress rather than socializing around my car...dunno perhaps I need to open my mind to the potential for something different..perhaps?

Will see what happens next...

BRC Volunteering

I had thought I would NOT volunteer for my first burn...ya know just enjoy the liberation of self and experience of the Playa. But the more i thought about it I think I might actully enjoy helping. I mean I like to volunteer as it makes me feel like I'm part of whats happening rather than a guest or observer. It is part of my character so why not? I was thinking of either Gate or Lamplighters both of which I found under the heading Volunteering. If I was to do the Gate I think I'd like to be part of the Exodus...I read somewhere that it is a hard team to get as everyone wants to leave...but how cool to tell peopel "bye...have a safe trip...see ya next year!" I mean cool! Lamplighters get to light the city at dusk and only requires a small commitment each day...another cool thing because you get to walk around saying hi and checking it all out! Again, cool! Well we'll let it go for today..I've thown it out to the universe...let's see what come back.

live bigger

My friend took his own life a couple of days ago. We knew each other well but since I left Atlanta we had kinda lost touch with one another. It happens when you move...people who you were close with move on. It's nothing personal. Maintaining any long distant relationship is difficult, romantic relationships have a the bonus physical layer that provides incentive. But platonic relationships are more of a challenge. They take a lot of work from both parties and circumstances on either end can make the connection thinner and begin to fray. As I said it's nothing personal, just life continuing. When I visit Atlanta (and I've been gone a couple years) most of my friends are delighted to see me as I am them. Real friends are almost always to make the time for each other and take up, as best possible, from where we left off.

When last I was visiting I got to spend some time with my friend. A movie and dinner, catching up..love live, work and the usual man gossip. It was the last time I'll ever see him. I'm grateful for that night. Our friendship was nothing deep, we didn't share intimate secrets but it was a genuine friendship as he was a genuine guy. It's important, in retrospect, to enjoy the time you get to spend with friends, because you never know if you'll see them again. Sometimes we simply lose touch & sometimes other forces intervene.

I'll miss my friend and I long ago gave up trying to figure out the selfish loss associated with the grim reaper. I just remember that I have a responsibility to live life bigger, for all those fallen comarades who won't get a chance to do it for themselves!

wandering

It seems, sometimes, that life is not quite as complicated as I make it. I don't think I am unique in this regard.  I overthink and analyze circumstances presented making them seem much more complex than they are.

Rationally there are perhaps infinte choices regarding most aspects I stand before, but if I listen to that "inner voice", ya know the one...that gut feeling about right or wrong...I suspect most decisions are not too hard. Fear can paralyze me when I try to decide which of those choices will provide the easiest outcome or more accurately...the least amount of work or conflict.

...What if???... becomes the mainstay during those moments....what if... I decide to do "this" and xyz happens, or so & so thinks less of me, or...well you get the picture. Meanwhile, the opportunity for real choice evaporates and I'm left with a default choice (usually a choice made for me from lack of my non-choosing) which invariably leads to... "if only"... !!

All this leads to two things...(1) resent or regret over missed opportunity
                                              (2) fear of future opportunity. - future opportunity = a new choice!

hmmmm....regret or fear? Not much of a way to live, is it?

to do list

I found this list in Men's Journal of things I gotta do (+ acouple I added) before…well I gotta do!

1. Climb an active volcano
2. Drive a Ferrari…in Italy
3. Record your own record
4. Build your own house
5. Get shipwrecked…can I do this with Daniel Craig?
6. Witness a revolution
7. Go winter camping
8. Drive from Monaco to Nice…in a convertible
9. Raft the Grand Canyon
10. Try the blowfish
11. Hike the Appalachian Trail, or at least part of it.
12. See the sunset from Key West
13. Learn a language
14. Go vegetarian for a month
15. Try yoga for a week
16. Machu Picchu, Great Wall, Pyramids
17. Heli-Ski Valdez
18. Climb from Yosemite Valley to Tuolumne Meadows
19. Sleep in a tropical rain forest
20. Work for what you believe in
21. Go to Burning Man
22. Eat a living thing
23. Explore the Far East
24. Rescue a dog
25. Make front page news
26. Learn to sail
27. See the night sky from the Southern Hemisphere
28. Go 12 days without texting
29. Go to Burning Man, again
30. Volunteer
31. Crash A Black Tie event
32. London, Paris, Rome, Barcelona