past the bathroom into the meadow

For a while I've been seeing a therapist. She pokes and peeks and prods and looks for stuff I've tucked away. Most of what she's looking for is the stuff I have either forgotten about or buried under layers of distorted memories, shame, remorse and the usual psychohooha that mindful prospectors like her pick up, roll around in their hands and toss to the side - the stuff I think is potentially valuable! Of course these are the little treasures I have carefully constructed, albeit somewhat unconsciously, to distract me from, well me. My therapist stumbled across a vein today, I'm not 100% sure how she found it, perhaps she wasn't so sure either, but she persistently scraped away the debris confident that there was an authentic relic within reach. We trudged into the dark and hit a wall. I wasn't afraid of the dark just didn't see beyond, but damned if she didn't hand me a pick and patiently waited for me to bust through. When I finally got through we were in in my blue tiled bathroom on Hillcrest? Huh? I ruminated about what had brought me to Tallahassee and that blue bathroom...what I had lost or given away to arrive in this tiny tiled room...finally ending up on that day I got sober. Only this time instead of flushing pot down the toilet I flushed my fear of success. Don't judge I'm still a little uncomfortable acknowledging that I have this fear. Anyway, we left the little bathroom and went out to the parking lot of the building. When I first walked out the door there were cars and even the U-Haul from when I moved...then poof they were gone. So there we were standing in fromt of Hillcrest and I said we could go left or right but the school was in front over the fence and then there was a wall. Guess which way we went? Through the wall of course (note that given the option a therapist will always make you go through the wall!) and I swear this is true there was a meadow through the wall! One of those dreamy lush rolling meadows with wild flowers and a tree on the hill.

The point to all this is that sometime there is going to be a wall, it might be literal or metaphorical, but either way, I believe, if you're looking for answers that is, you're going to end up there...at the wall. Go ahead, go through it...don't worry if you end up in the blue tiled bathroom, cuz after you flush the toilet you can go to the pretty meadow.

The places I've been

Like most I’m always looking for understanding about who I am. Of course, to know who you are (and thus where you’re going) requires some examination of where one started. As such, here is an elementary (and annotated) list of the places I have been;

• In my tree fort (no girlz allowed)

• Floating in the river behind my house (homemade rafts were always the best)

• Hitch-hiking on Route 66 from Chicago to LA (I thought I was the great adventurer)

• Passed out on a sidewalk (beer than liquor ... never sicker)

• To my father’s graveside ( though it took me another 30 yrs to actually bury him)

• In a dirt garage lifting weights (with the serious juice heads)

• In lots of fancy athletic clubs lifting weights (with the disco tits boiz)

• On the overnight train from Paris to Florence (and I was still late for class)

• Hiking a hillside near Pisa(nirvana with a crusty loaf and aqua con gas)

• Camping naked (the full monty)

• On a 100 mile canoe trip (who knew I could kneel that long)

• Playing right field (I still can’t catch)

• In a rehab hospital (it was completely about the drama)

• To five schools of higher learning (but only received 2 degrees)

• The Millennium March on DC and “The Wedding” at the Lincoln Memorial (the former an unfuckingbelievable success…the latter a personal failure)

• To the closing of the Monster in Key West (it was all about decadence)

• On either side of a soup line both have their rewards)

• To too many funerals (know your sero-status and the status of those you sleep with)

• On my knees giving thanks and asking help (find Something to believe in)

• To tea dances and t-rooms (when they were fresh and when they got old)

• Quadrilatero d’oro in Milan (truly excessive, who did I think I was?)

• To AA, NA, CMA, and SCA meetings (and at last I understand how it works)

• In a classroom – teaching and learning (again both have their rewards)

• To Burning Man (without the assistance of any mind altering stimulus)

• To therapy (sincere effort will enable genuine change)

• To all the places I’ve ever needed to go. (admittedly, unaware of the fundamental lessons and too aware of the superfluous)

My philosophy can generally be summed up by the following creed; eat good food, be humble, embrace truth, challenge hate, put in more than you take, test fear, laugh at yourself whenever possible, dance regularly, find your courage, seize faith & live

next steps

Well I registered for my ticket! I looked over the form like 20 times after I registered before I hit send!!! And by the end of the day had convinced myself that I had enteredd somethng wrong..of course I didn't but until I get the confirmation that I have been awarded a ticket I'll be convinced that I said I live in Timbuktu...Next on my agenda of must do's is to decide about where to camp? It probably doesn't have to be the next decision, but it will give me something to get excited about while I save for my airline ticket. Up until recently I was pretty certain that I would camp with a group of gay sober people. But there seems to be a lack of activity on that user group, which undoubtly will change as the event draws near. However, since I've been on the eplaya I've connected with several people who stay in Barbie Death Camp and the "mayor" of that village asked me if I wanted to join their group of "ne'er-do-wells"!! I've been up and down on this thought..more up than down. First off, this is not a group of sober people...in all honesty they are the antithesist of sober..a hedonistic group of Bacchus revelers is perhaps a more apropos definition. Be that as it may is a small group of sober or non party people who, coincidently, are the same group I have found myself drawn to in the first place. So now I believe that I would prefer to camp with them in the depths of insanity...lol. I'm honestly not worried about my sobriety. I have been honest with myself about my intentions since I first decided to go. I'm aware of the potential for using at an event like this. But if I was going to use I could do it anywhere...
I will delay my decision until after I am awarded my ticket but we both know which camp I'll choose....don't we?

wtf...

A couple years ago my mother had an accident that compromised her neurological system and necessitated regular live in care. We have family living in the same city as she does that was unable/unwilling to assume the care so I left my job and moved to FL to care for her. It was a choice I made without hesitation when it became obvious no one else wanted the task. She and I have made a lot of progress (both in our own ways...lol) over the last couple years and she is no longer confined to a wheeelchair and while we've debated a lot on her caloric intake she has put on some healthy weight and gained some strength. She made enough progress that I returned to a fulltime job so I could get insurance for myself and add to her social security we lived on for the last couple years. When I took a FT job we asked an adult woman who was new to sobriety to help out. I'm clean for 6 yrs and knew this woman though her sober mom. She made a deal with her mom who offered her a safe place in her home as long as she was serious about staying clean and actively particiapted in her own recovery. 10 days ago she was arrested for possession during a weekend jaunt to her old stomping grounds 4 hours away. To be honest I was initially pissed as shit. I felt betrayed and further it caused my mother some emotional sadness that I didn't want to see her endure. After a couple days though I've moved through my intial anger to accept the fact that what really made me mad was the inconvenience it was going to cause me! Funny how the selfish child in me is never very far from the surface.
Today I feel for this woman and hope that somehow she can find the courage to humbly accept the reality of her choices and move forward without a crack pipe.

psssst...revisited

I posted this secret one time a couple years ago...and I forgot how valuable a secret it is. So if you missed it (and I suspect as no one probably reads this) I'll say it again...

...ya wanna know the secret...give it all away! give away everything that is important...it's not yours to hang onto anyway. give away your smiles, your love, your truth, your hope, your joy, your dreams...give it all away!!!!! just imagine what would happen if everyone did that..geez what would you do if at every corner at every minute someone was giving you their smile... or their hope... or their love...wouldn't that be cool!??

So many people I never knew I know

I was talking on a forum tonight on the Burning Man Eplaya and mentioned that "I wonder why there are so many people on here that I feel I've met before...???" I recieved many comment to the effect that...(ah, slowly, surely he becomes one of us)... and one woman forward the above picture that resonated that deja vu feeling perfectly...no coincidences...

check out some of her other images here if you have a sec... they are perfect!

Burning Man reality

I seem to be having a hard time NOT thinking about Burning Man. I don't remember when I first heard about it...sometime when i was living in DC, in the late '90's I seem to recall, though the specifics elude me. I do recall that I was recently sober and my sober strongly advised not going as it was nothing more than a drug party. I know that during those years, and perhaps more of my life than I care to admit, I tried not to think for myself if possible. It's clear that it was the suggestion I needed at the time.  But over the last 10 years I have learned a lot about thinking for myself, I have made a ridiculous number of mistakes, but they were MY mistakes. And they've helped me become an adult, finally, at the age of 58.

A couple months ago BM popped up on my radar again..I don't recall how it happened but within 24 hours I discoverd for the first time that there were sober camps and even better there were gay sober camps. And a few weeks later I put out a plan to the universe...I would go to my first burn in 2012!!! It's out there now and I believe the stars , moons, gods...whatever... have aligned this way because I need to go. I have no real expectations about what to expect, well I do expect my life will change...more accurately I believe my life will begin.

I have some fear about all this. My greatest fear is that I won't go. I don't put to much stock in coincidence, at least coincidence with no apparent connection. I think that life offers up opportunities that we take or decline. I think this is my opportunity, that BM is an adventure that I need to take...repeat...NEED to take. My only other real fear is not having enough money. I try to put a little aside each week and have a loose plan on how to accomplish little goals toward the end goal...like first buy a ticket..a tent...gas money...I know that as I achieve each small goal the adventure will evolve before me and before long it will be August 2012 and I'll be heading into my life.

change

There is an incredible amount of information available to anyone who wants to "change". But what is it that any of us wants to change... that makes a difference? For me I thought I wanted to be someone else...to feel accomplished or successful or important. The intersting thing I 've learned was if I honestly looked at my motives and the dream I was chasing the end result I desired was to be some form of superficial embodiment...none of which would bring me happiness. When I deconstruct, scrutinize or otherwise analyze those I would want to be I realize I don't truly know more than what is presented. Pain, shame, insecurities are not something most people wear on the outside except in extremes, so the idols I venerate, like most humans, suffer with their own demons and defaults.

So I'm left with this...if I determined what I needed to realize real happiness then perhaps I would then know what had to change. Ergo the only thing I need to change is my understanding of happiness. If happiness is the absence of misery and misery is defined as wretchedness of condition or circumstances then my life could be defined as happy. Iam not without challenges...but I have a job I like ...alot! And I have friends who love and respect me and want to be in my company. and...most importantly...I have family that love me for who I am and what I beleive in. Not a bad deal as those are the things that last, the things that matter...to me.

Perhaps you might value other things and that's ok, as long as I keep in mind that I don't have to subscribe to those values...OR....hold my values up to them for comparison. It's worth mentioning that I will stay happier if I neither judged your idea of happiness as better...or worse...than my own...mine is mine...yours is yours.