past the bathroom into the meadow

For a while I've been seeing a therapist. She pokes and peeks and prods and looks for stuff I've tucked away. Most of what she's looking for is the stuff I have either forgotten about or buried under layers of distorted memories, shame, remorse and the usual psychohooha that mindful prospectors like her pick up, roll around in their hands and toss to the side - the stuff I think is potentially valuable! Of course these are the little treasures I have carefully constructed, albeit somewhat unconsciously, to distract me from, well me. My therapist stumbled across a vein today, I'm not 100% sure how she found it, perhaps she wasn't so sure either, but she persistently scraped away the debris confident that there was an authentic relic within reach. We trudged into the dark and hit a wall. I wasn't afraid of the dark just didn't see beyond, but damned if she didn't hand me a pick and patiently waited for me to bust through. When I finally got through we were in in my blue tiled bathroom on Hillcrest? Huh? I ruminated about what had brought me to Tallahassee and that blue bathroom...what I had lost or given away to arrive in this tiny tiled room...finally ending up on that day I got sober. Only this time instead of flushing pot down the toilet I flushed my fear of success. Don't judge I'm still a little uncomfortable acknowledging that I have this fear. Anyway, we left the little bathroom and went out to the parking lot of the building. When I first walked out the door there were cars and even the U-Haul from when I moved...then poof they were gone. So there we were standing in fromt of Hillcrest and I said we could go left or right but the school was in front over the fence and then there was a wall. Guess which way we went? Through the wall of course (note that given the option a therapist will always make you go through the wall!) and I swear this is true there was a meadow through the wall! One of those dreamy lush rolling meadows with wild flowers and a tree on the hill.

The point to all this is that sometime there is going to be a wall, it might be literal or metaphorical, but either way, I believe, if you're looking for answers that is, you're going to end up there...at the wall. Go ahead, go through it...don't worry if you end up in the blue tiled bathroom, cuz after you flush the toilet you can go to the pretty meadow.

wtf...

A couple years ago my mother had an accident that compromised her neurological system and necessitated regular live in care. We have family living in the same city as she does that was unable/unwilling to assume the care so I left my job and moved to FL to care for her. It was a choice I made without hesitation when it became obvious no one else wanted the task. She and I have made a lot of progress (both in our own ways...lol) over the last couple years and she is no longer confined to a wheeelchair and while we've debated a lot on her caloric intake she has put on some healthy weight and gained some strength. She made enough progress that I returned to a fulltime job so I could get insurance for myself and add to her social security we lived on for the last couple years. When I took a FT job we asked an adult woman who was new to sobriety to help out. I'm clean for 6 yrs and knew this woman though her sober mom. She made a deal with her mom who offered her a safe place in her home as long as she was serious about staying clean and actively particiapted in her own recovery. 10 days ago she was arrested for possession during a weekend jaunt to her old stomping grounds 4 hours away. To be honest I was initially pissed as shit. I felt betrayed and further it caused my mother some emotional sadness that I didn't want to see her endure. After a couple days though I've moved through my intial anger to accept the fact that what really made me mad was the inconvenience it was going to cause me! Funny how the selfish child in me is never very far from the surface.
Today I feel for this woman and hope that somehow she can find the courage to humbly accept the reality of her choices and move forward without a crack pipe.

psssst...revisited

I posted this secret one time a couple years ago...and I forgot how valuable a secret it is. So if you missed it (and I suspect as no one probably reads this) I'll say it again...

...ya wanna know the secret...give it all away! give away everything that is important...it's not yours to hang onto anyway. give away your smiles, your love, your truth, your hope, your joy, your dreams...give it all away!!!!! just imagine what would happen if everyone did that..geez what would you do if at every corner at every minute someone was giving you their smile... or their hope... or their love...wouldn't that be cool!??

live bigger

My friend took his own life a couple of days ago. We knew each other well but since I left Atlanta we had kinda lost touch with one another. It happens when you move...people who you were close with move on. It's nothing personal. Maintaining any long distant relationship is difficult, romantic relationships have a the bonus physical layer that provides incentive. But platonic relationships are more of a challenge. They take a lot of work from both parties and circumstances on either end can make the connection thinner and begin to fray. As I said it's nothing personal, just life continuing. When I visit Atlanta (and I've been gone a couple years) most of my friends are delighted to see me as I am them. Real friends are almost always to make the time for each other and take up, as best possible, from where we left off.

When last I was visiting I got to spend some time with my friend. A movie and dinner, catching up..love live, work and the usual man gossip. It was the last time I'll ever see him. I'm grateful for that night. Our friendship was nothing deep, we didn't share intimate secrets but it was a genuine friendship as he was a genuine guy. It's important, in retrospect, to enjoy the time you get to spend with friends, because you never know if you'll see them again. Sometimes we simply lose touch & sometimes other forces intervene.

I'll miss my friend and I long ago gave up trying to figure out the selfish loss associated with the grim reaper. I just remember that I have a responsibility to live life bigger, for all those fallen comarades who won't get a chance to do it for themselves!

breathe

I recall sitting in an ashram in Atlanta listening to the teacher reminding her students to stay in the moment....the tool she taught us to use that night was ...the breath...

It was all about feeling the breath as it made its journey in and out of the body. It's an amazing thing when you stop to consider the breath passing in and out...it's all but impossible to be anywhere except in that moment...its peace.