wonder where?

I'm wondering tonight where he is…that guy who will be with me someday. I know there is one out there for me, because, well because I just believe. If I didn't believe he was out there somewhere making his way in my direction as I make my way toward him, it would be just too awful. I'm a romantic and so I need to believe that someone who is just right for me exists. I might have met him already and I might not. I don't care what he does for a living as long as he loves what he does. I don't care where he has been, but I want to know he wants to go in a direction that will make him feel good about himself. I want to hear him laugh at something silly. I want to talk about how a skyline inspires, or a neighborhood intrigues me and have him listen because he's interested. I want us to go on an adventure to nowhere to find out what's there and to see what we find along the way. I want to walk left as he goes right knowing all along that we'll meet back up in the middle. I want him to believe in something so much that he wants me to learn what it's about and I want him to want to learn about my beliefs. I want him to be patient, irreverent, political and silly. I want him to encourage me to dream and ask me about what I dream about. I want him to be able to sit contently with his own company as he is content to sit with mine. I want there to be his friends, my friends and our friends. I want to dance with him, watch a movie with him, and get nasty with him. I wonder what he's doing tonight…and if he's wondering where I am?

holiday distractions

My mind can go in so many directions…the holidays only complicate things for meJ. I use to live in chaos; it was where I was comfortable. My life today is much more organized. Don't misunderstand I like spontaneity…but it's easier for me to live within the confines of a schedule. I like things better that way overall. I prefer a job that is a Monday through Friday sorta thing. I like having a plan on what I might do on any given night. So on Thursday night I'm use to seeing a group of friends that I hang out with on most Thursday nights. This week however there was Thanksgiving so I missed seeing my regular group and did a holiday thing instead. I had a great time, but I still missed my friends. There is the rub for me during the next 4 or 5 weeks…there will be all sorts of festivities that are up for grabs and I have to make some sacrifices here and there as I have to make a decision to do one thing or another. Add into the mix the potential of meeting a couple of new guys to ask out for dinner...! It's great, on one hand, because it's been a long time since I even had choices to make…but it's hard too because spending time doing my "routine" is something that provides me with some mental/spiritual comfort. Growing up can be hard…lol. I wonder if other people think about some of the shit I do?

breathing

Breathing it would seem is more than just a means to live…it is the way to live. My teacher, my beloved (Swami) Jaya Devi, was teaching the other night. She spoke about when we learn to love ourselves…"when I get thin then I'll be happy", "when I get this job, then I'll be happy"…"when I get the love of my life, the car, that…whatever"…I've lived my whole life tying to find some external "thing" to make me happy.. It's what fueled my addiction, my search for something to make me happy… or rather to remove my pain! She has taught me that the giving to others will lead me to happiness. It won't give me happiness. That comes from inside. If I love myself I can be happy. Compassion, benevolence, humility and confidence, these characteristics will lead my way. And living in the moment is the key…how? Breathing! I asked Jaya Devi this question not long ago;

My question was this; how does one get back in the moment when the ego is fighting so hard to be the center of attention?

Breath by breath, with both will and surrender. You breathe in everything you feel and breathe it out again. On each breath you know that even in the middle of all the chaos and struggle, you are okay. You are loved and connected and you are okay. You don't even have to do anything to be okay, you just have to remember that you are, and the breath is the key to remembering.

When you grow, you must employ both compassion and awareness. Awareness of what is going on – my lower mind is kicking up a sandstorm of emotion – and compassion for everything you have lived through, even the current moment. Then you can look at yourself and your lower mind with the eyes of love and say, "even this is okay, I love and I am okay." The lower mind is like weather – it passes through and sometimes has great effect, but it is not permanent. Let it pass through you but don't be tricked into thinking it is who you are. Know that I love you, my sweet man.

thanks

Today is Thanksgiving and I ought to take a moment to write about how grateful I am for the gifts I have in my life. I am an incredibly fortunate man. I am in great physical health, have wonderful friends, loving family, a good education…I could go on for a good while. I don't want to write a gratitude list. And yet it is quite hard not to take a moment to show some gratitude for what I have received. Somehow at moments like this it's difficult not to believe in something…I'm not sure what name you might like, God, Krishna, Buddha, Allah, Aten, whether it's the God or Goddess…but for me it's impossible not to believe. For me there is some force that is far greater than me. How else could I still be here today drawing one breath after another? You might call it luck or you might say it's from putting one foot in front of the other. But there were lots of days when I couldn't tell which foot was which and days that my luck could have been called anything but luck and somehow I made it here... to today. For whatever reason, I've made it this far and I am convinced that without a little Divine intervention it would not have been possible. Am I grateful today? Yep.

true things

- I get up every morning at 6:15 am – except the mornings I stay in bed

- I had a thing for bois once but would NEVER date another!

- I love Cholua hot sauce above all others.

- I eat 3 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches almost every day unless I don't.

- I only watch movies when I watch TV so I don't really watch TV.

- I completely believe in Karma.

a year and a half

Today is a year in half since I started living my life. Let me explain, I am an addict. I am predisposed to using drugs, alcohol or anything I can find to "medicate" myself. You see I was afraid to live. I didn't know how. This is not my parents fault or the school systems fault or even the fault of the government (though I must admit it would be nice to blame it on someone and the government would be an easy target). No, there is nothing to blame it on… I am just genetically predisposed to addictive tendencies. I have on two separate occasions stopped using and lived sober. I stayed clean the first time for about 2 yrs. It was in the late 1980's and my mother put me in rehab. The 2^nd time was in 1995 and I stayed clean about 9 yrs. That time the courts ordered me in to the rooms. You know when you get clean and you hear what other clean people have to say and you try and it works it's hard to go back out and stay out. At least it was for me. The 3^rd time I chose to come back. I guess I just got tired of hurting so much. I didn't know how to live without using… I take that back…I chose to use because it was the easiest way...I didn't know how to live.
Living requires responsibility.
Living requires me to pull my weight, to pay my bills, to be compassionate not only to others but more importantly to myself.
Living requires me to get a job.
Living doesn't mean I have to be dull or unhappy but it does mean I can't always have my way and do what I want to do when I want. Most times it's about the rest of the world and requires me to do my part to keep it spinning. Living requires me to be honest, caring and happy. It requires me to help others when I can not when I want. I lived most of my life taking and now I need to give back. Make no mistake I didn't take because I was a selfish self-centered ego maniac! Nope…I took because I was a selfish, self-centered ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
Using for me is no longer a choice…and I can live with that.

btw: in the event that you are asking yourself why I went back out twice...the only explanation I can offer is that I chose to use again. I forgot the pain. A better question might be how in the hell did I survive those two excursions back to insanity?