Trusting the process

Sometimes it seems that it is so easy to go with the flow. Life fits comfortably, I look good in it and I can  mosy along at a pace that feels right. And then there's the rest of the time. When I first got clean it seemed that "the rest of the time" was 90% or more some times hovering closer to 99.9%. But over the last year it feels like more a pretty even split and there are even moments when I feel like it's dipped comfortably into that low 40 percentile range! After the Roundup this year it may have even gone into the 30's!! So when the "rest of the time", those moments when life feels like its wrinkled and unkempt...when it's binding and it looks like cheesy vintage wanna-be, flair up I get blindsided.
After my mom's accident in October I've been hanging in the high 50's of poop. I find the concept of self is more common than I would prefer. My problems suddenly seem greater than yours! It was if my mom's accident happened to me!!! I moped around for a couple of weeks wrapped in a couple layers of pity, fear and self. I forgot that it was not about me...in fact, I wasn't even there helping my mom. I sat at home criticizing my brother - criticizing his addiction and his rage and his self pity. Oh, how easy it is too see my own reflection while not even realizing that I'm holding a mirror.
But I digress...my mom left the hosital and moved to a physical rehab facility to help her learn how to walk again (seems she damaged the portion of the brain that processed her knowledge of walking) and after 3 weeks they sent her home. While this was going on my brother was doing what he could to help out (admittedly I was convinced he was pawning her belongings, running up her credit cards and other dastardly activities including smoking in her new car which she can't even drive...I know, I know what can I say?)  This past Monday she was taken back to the hospital...her speech slurred and she could barely get around with a walker. Today they did an MRI ans some other brain tests to find out whats happening and honestly it doesn't appear good.
These events paint a pretty unflattering picture of me I'm ashamed to admit. But there is some good news...honest. Slowly over the last couple of weeks I have realized that I was looking at my own character defects when I thought I was looking at my brother. Make no mistake he is no saint...but that son of a bitch is doing something! Whether he wanted to or not he has been a son to my mom. He has helped her out of bed and lifted her off the floor. He has taken her to the bathroom, the hospital and made her meals. He has been there when she cried and bitched and come to grips with her own mortality. I have a new respect for him. I even envy him for having the chance to help our mom. I have found a new humility too. This, though isn't about me...it's about my mom and about my brother. This is about putting my faith in God. This about trusting that God is letting this unfold the way He wants it to unfold. It's about acceptance. God will take care of my mom and when it is my turn to be there He will see to it that I go.

halloween kookoo

It's that time of year...the leaves are changing, the clock turned back, halloween. And, this year we've added the Atlanta Gay Pride festival!! One of my friends calls it the perfect storm! He's in recovery too and for many gay men in recovery gay Pride or Halloween use to be all about partying! So for a lot of us, your's truly included, it's a double whammy! I didn't think much of it this year and actually got  into the swing of it...I've been isolating a little too much recently...letting my roomate scare my face out and participate both Halloween Eve and Halloween in costume and scary face! Friday night we went to a part in East Atlanta that was being thrown by one of our sober friends...we were just barely on the property and dead in front of me was the "stalker".

The stalker is an ex-boyfriend who dumped me and then wouldn't leave me alone...One of those types who wanted, for some conscious easing reason to maintain a friendship with their "ex". Mine was the kind who wouldn't leave me alone. Always calling me when he split up with his amore-du-jour or wanting favors or sex. I was crushed by our break-up and would go out of my way to make myself available to him. I should mention that I lost my sobriety over him, moved twice & sold my house. I bought him whatever I thought would make him happy and would skip any event just to be near him. I was sick! Very sick. Even after I got sober I still would do anything for him until one dauy someone asked me what I was getting???? Ummm?? Let's see...ya see it's like this....ummmm....oh wait...not a fucking thing! So I got him out of my life. I asked him to leave me alone, to allow me some time to get over it. Ya see for two years or more since he dumped me he would get in touch with me at least once a month. So I never had a chance to grieve, or whatever you're suppose to do when ya get dumped...maybe make a voodoo doll?? Anyway he just wouldn't I had him banned from my jobs, blocked him from any site I was on online, and finally changed my phone number! Up until 3 months ago he would still call me at work asking to talk to me! Needless to say, unless ya didn't pick up the vibe...he drove me kookoo.

So it's been awhile since he had tried to contact me and even longer since I've seen him. Sadly he could not just ignore me...he had to walk up and say hi...couldn't he get a hug? I just stood there, dumbfounded... speechless infact, unable to comprehend what was going on! I mumbled something andd walked away, but the rest of the 30+ minutes we were there was ackward and uncomfortable. It seemed like where I was, no matter who I was taling to, he was always right in front of me...almost like he was putting himself in my field of vision. Perhaps he was, or perhaps it was my imagination, either way we left shortly afterward. It was wierd because as we were in the car turning around to leave...he and and his party decided to leave too.

So I'm a little crazy again. Unhappy that my space was broken with the unpleasant collision of our individual worlds. It was coincidence that we were both at the same party of that I'm sure, but not one I would have wished for. I don't wish him ill, infact I wish for him to be happy...but maybe happy in another state..not the one I live in!

living

My mom was born in 1927 and god willing she'll be 83 in January. Recently she had a car accident which she described as minor, which totaled her car. Now my mom is pretty sharp and very independent and even more so since my dad died in 1980. Anyway, she had this accident and when we spoke on the phone she said she was just fine..you know how mothers are about worrying their children...so I was pretty surprised when my brother John called a few days later to say she was in the hospital. Initially he thought it was a stroke but later on it seems it was, as she described...my brain rattling around in my head! From a neurological standpoint she had suffered from some swelling of the brain that caused some equilibrium problems. She is going to get some physical therapy to help her "remember" how to walk, but otherwise she has been pronounced fit. Mostly she seems annoyed by the inconvenience of it all. When I asked her why she thought she was in the hospital she replied that she was helping finance the first fiscal quarter of the hospital for next year...lol. She's a character that woman!
I've been frightened thinking about losing my mom. Afraid that I would be alone without her to laugh with and bullshit with about cooking and telling dirty jokes! I was completely selfish, wrapped up in my own little sad self. Instead I should be talking to my mom about all the fun she has had in her life, the wonderful friends she has and has had. The adventures she's had and the parties she's thrown. See, my mom has had an incredible rich life. She hasn't had a lot of money yet that never stopped her as she had so much more. She has touched so many peoples lives in ways I don't even think I can begin to understand. She has lived a beautiful life. And continues to do just that...so celebrate with me and celebrate with your mom or your dad and try not to be sad for a loss that hasn't happened but rejoice for a life that has....

eat good food

I have a creed that I try to live by...I'm human, I fail daily, though I keep on trying to get it right...

Eat good food, help others, embrace truth, challenge hate, put in more than you take, laugh at yourself whenever possible, trust god

pssst...

...ya wanna know the secret...give it all away! give away everything that is important...it's not yours to hang onto anyway. give away your smiles, your love, your truth, your hope, your joy, your dreams...give it all away!!!!! just imagine what would happen if everyone did that..geez what would you do if  at every corner at every  minute someone was giving you their smile... or their hope... or their love...wouldn't that be cool!??

sappy

I watched 50 First Dates tonight and I have to admit (though it is with some embarrassment) that I like chick/date flicks. (*note; this entry is in no way a derogatory assessment against the real women in my life who I have the highest regard and admiration for...after all they have to put up with men!!!) I particularly prefer the romantic comedy type (you can keep Terms of Endearment). Don't get me wrong I can watch the hell outa a guy flick, gimme a car chase or explosion any day of the week...hell ya dude!!! lol... But if ya wanna see the real me...pop in a Drew Barrymore or Julia Roberts comedy with a happy ending and I'm a sap. Here is a list (in no particular order) of some of my favorites;

50 First Dates
You’ve Got Mail
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
When Harry Met Sally
Notting Hill
Sleepless in Seattle
There’s Something About Mary
The Holiday
The Princess Bride
Sweet Home Alabama
Never Been Kissed
The Wedding Date
Serendipity
What’s up Doc
While you were Sleeping
It Could Happen to You
Shakespeare in Love
Ever After
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Pretty Woman
Doc Hollywood

What does all this say about me?? Well first and foremost I'm a big wimpy ass girl!  Watery eyes, heaving chest, shit eating happy grin woman! What can I say? But it also tells me that I have hope! I have hope that there is some lucky son of a bitch out there for me. That after almost 40 years of dating there is still hope that I'm going to head down the same path with some other guy that happens to be heading the same way as me. I trust this is so! I hope that we can support and respect and encourage and be honest with each other. I hope that we can laugh at each other and with each other. I hope that we can talk about my dreams and his dreams and our dreams. I hope we can help others whenever and wherever we get the chance. I hope we can fuck like bunnies and sleep late on Sundays and cook for our friends every week. I hope we can grow old together. I hope that we can celebrate life together. It's a lot of hope I know,  but WTF I'm a big wimpy girl...lol!

waking up slowly

Sometimes when I get up in a hurry I'm a little disoriented, like I don't know what day it is, or what I need to do first. And then there are times when I lay in bed for a few and sorta gather in the clues to my existence. It's kinda like when I was using and woke up from a black-out except there are no drugs or booze. And that's how my life is sometimes, like I woke up too fast and got disoriented. What I've learned is that in those moments if I just take a few and kinda put the clues together I do a lot better.

being available

I'm over cell phones! I no longer like the fact that they make me available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I know that I can always choose NOT to answer it..but...ya know what happens then - the text msg! Is it just me or is the text message the final chapter in the decline of civilization? I have friends who use that "tool" to a fault, though any use is subject to a foul a far as I'm concerned. Are we so caught up in ourselves that we can't take 1 minute to call?? And I call bullshit on the argument that "sometimes there is no time to call", or"I wasn't in a place I could talk"!! WML - call me when you have a minute, it's OK. If you're running late I'll figure it out when the appointed time strikes. here is one text I don't mind...call me!

When what I know isn't what I feel

I was always under the misguided belief that there was a Prince Charming..that one day he would come along and life would be so much more. I totally bought into the Cinderella phenomena; that there aforementioned fantasy was real and that any moment he would show up with my other Nike Shox! I was always under the belief that there would be that One Perfect Love...ya know the one. That one close to perfect guy that I fit together with like a puzzle...the one who "had me at hello". Imagine my surprise when I found out, no, make that - finally believed the previous mentioned fantasies were in fact no more than that. SHIT!
Well the Prince thing I get, but I still wonder if there wasn't the One Perfect Love? If I subscribe to that belief could I presume that during T.U.Y. (The Using Years) that maybe I did, in fact, meet this Mr Wonderful and was just too bonzo to know it and he simply got on a different train than I? Perhaps that OPL has expired! Following this theory, if I know (or choose to believe) can I then stop looking/waiting and just f'n got on with LIFE. Perhaps I was not cut out to be a one-on-one sorta guy (no punned intended). So I wonder, perhaps I ought to approach this from a different perspective and maintain several relationships with men that each serve a different purpose. I could have "movie guy", dinner guy", "gym guy, "sex guy" "coffee guy" "kickin at the park guy"...the list might be endless or maybe some guys serve a dual role.."movie/dinner", "gym/sex" etc...
Maybe the roles are not even that clear, but I know that I need to re-think what I know and put it in line with what I feel.

dare to participate

life generally seems to me to be about opportunity and choice. i know it's probably more complex than that but i'm a simple guy and so keeping it simple in all things make my life a little more relaxing. i have a hard time with stress. what i'm beginning to realize is that i have had a plethora of opportunity and refused to make a choice...procrastinating on what the right choice would be. as of late i seem to be making more choices, albeit not always the best choice, a choice nonetheless. life is about these things and about making choices and participating in the outcome of those choices. the best part is that if it's not the best choice i'll no better when the choice arrives again.

mindfulness

I've been trying to be more mindful lately. It's very much like living in the moment for me. Being conscious of where I am in the world...my connection to whats going on around me. Listening. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. My mind is sorta like one of those superballs..all over the place bouncing off everything and taking forever to settle down. A friend of mine put it in terms I could wrap myself around "its like going to the gym and training a muscle...repetition and practice"

the ego in the attic

Every so often I like to make a trip up to the attic. My attic looks like those you see or can picture with ease. There is a round window inside a dormer. Outside it's just barely grey like the first snow is set in the afternoon sky. The light in the attic is bright enough and the bare incandescent bulb adds some shadows and even seems to make the attic a bit warmer feeling. There are several old chest of drawers filled with yellowing black and white family pictures of my grandad and his peonies. And some of my brother and I all dressed up for easter with our dad. Pics of my mom and dad laughing over barbeques, dinner parties, camping and in front of the old buick are in the lot.
The wood floor creaks with age here and there. Just over there by the window is my old trunk. My high school cap and gown wrapped in plastic sit on top. Leaning against are my framed Bachelors and Masters Diplomas. The treasure inside is what I want to look at though. Inside I find all sorts of memories. Old love letters and cards...funny I haven't picked them up in a long time and yet they still tug at my heart, sadly. There are those old polaroids of our Halloween pumpkin carving (there was such a stupid argument about what to carve) and that chicken pot pie we made...I remember that tiny little apartment off Logan Circle, never enough room for anything - always he asked me to stop bringing home more "stuff". There's the Garden Book - the one with the ideas for how we would plan out the garden, the house... paint samples and pages torn from House and Garden and Metropolitan Home, only then it was Met Apt. - we'll never do that or I can't stand that, he would say! Pictures from that terrible vacation to P-Town on my B-day. Here are scraps...and notes and e-mails. Airline stubs to Savannah, receipts from the Marriott on the River and 7th floor Hilton room with the balcony. Here are some pics from that days in the park in Savannah...climbing trees and basketball....it was fun then...at the beginning before my drugs, before my tequila, before he left to live on the internet to get away from me...
Enough of those pics, those memories...there toward the bottom of the trunk is the little wheel, the treadmill...the one those crazy squirrels run round, trying to get the nuts....

Of course, there is no real attic, or pics of my family in the chest of drawers. There is no window in the dormer or old trunk. There is just my ego playing a game of tug of war with me, stirring up old memories that start in that warm familiar way...the trouble is, it ends in a sad, cold sort of tragic way. My ego isn't always about making me feel superior...a lot of times, more often then I prefer, it tries to makes me feel alone. See, it wants me to get all wrapped up so that it might be able to convice me that I might feel better if I use. Use something, anything, to make the discomforts of life, the realities of everyday experiences, go away. Fortunately, it loses today, like it did yesterday too. I win, and my ego hates to lose. It will try again tomorrow.

expectations

Expectations. On any given day I can find myself getting my nose outa joint because someone didn't do what I wanted. Traffic, weather, personalities…some person, place or thing has not lived up to my expectations. Holy shit! Here then is a concept to consider, dear reader, if you ever find yourself feeling the same thing. Who cares? Honestly no slight is meant here...but I have never stopped to consider, at the moment of incident at least, whether or not that person, place or thing gives a rat's ass what I wanted in the situation that I have found completely unacceptable. Think about it…do you suppose for one second that the driver on 75 in the morning cares that I'm on my way to the gym and they are keeping me from my workout? Do you suppose the lady in the line at Publix who is fishing in her purse to find the exact change has considered that I may want to get going to my house so that I can make my dinner?

If I haven't taken the time to consider what's happening in the lives of the people that I come in contact with every single day why in the hell do I suppose that they are going to think about what's happening in my world??? Undoubtedly if they knew who I am they would change their habits to conform to mine right?? Oh hell no! Think about that the next time someone isn't driving the way you want them to be driving…there's a damn good chance that the driver behind you is thinking the same thing about you!

humility

hu·mil·i·ty..n: the quality or state of being humble.

hum·ble..adj: 1: not proud or haughty 2: not pretentious

There is a journey that I am traveling, a person I am aiming to become. Considerate, confident, humble, benevolent…these are some words that I would like to think someone would use if they were describing me. These are words I would like to use to describe myself. Not today, not yet. But I wonder, as I go along this road, this journey of discovery, I wonder when I might be aware of these character traits. On some level I already possess some, maybe all of these traits. The important thing is to continue moving in the direction I have started and believe that I don't have to put any focus on cultivating these characteristics…they will come all by themselves. I only have to live my life the right way. Live by the principles and keep it real.

humble, modest – real

egotistical, self-centered – not real

5 cent insanity

I think it is remarkable how many people I know claim to be financial secure and live on their credit cards. What I have found is that these folks consider themselves secure because the have a good enough credit score to obtain a credit card or request an increase in the limit. Is this really much different them living paycheck to paycheck?????And, by-the-way, who devised this "magical credit barometer", this credit score thingy? I think, though I may find I am mistaken, this system was created by the very same people who provided me with those small rectangular pieces of plastic that allow many of us to spend beyond our means. It's like an invitation to debt!

My story is probably not much different then most. I received a letter in the mail congratulating me on having the opportunity to open an account with one of the many companies providing credit. Elated that I had finally achieved a level of success that was being recognized on my accomplishments I hurriedly responded and was awarded with a shiny piece of plastic that had a moderate limit. I had not had the benefit then of knowing that if I didn't manage this properly it would soon get out of hand. I didn't, it did! And the modest initial interest level quickly rose. When offered an increase I naturally accepted and, well you get the idea. One card lead to five and I became part of that American way of life....unable to pay down the debt and the interest fast enough.

I freely admit today that I was irresponsible and like so many before me my debt became impossible to pay on the income I was making. Unable to come up with a solution I simply stopped paying them and became one of thousands who avoid answering phone calls every day from unknown phone numbers for fear that it is one of many "law offices" retained to seek repayment. Now I could go on about that end of this discussion, but what interests me more is how something like the debt could happen in the first place?

In the midst of the economic crisis this country is faced with I am beginning to come to grips with the knowledge that like our nation I was never instructed on how to manage my money well...more importantly how to avoid unsecured debt!

I'm going to attempt to maneuver through this mine field in this blog and see where it leads. Starting tomorrow I am going to seek (rather...return) to a tried and true method. A 12-step program. Come back and see what I find out!

some things I know about myself

This is not the definitive list!

I don't care much about bragging about myself.I have brown eyes.I'm partial to happy endings.
My pics may say otherwise but I am relatively modest...sorta. I am not str8 acting nor am I gay acting…I don't act at all
I have my share of imperfection and normal everyday problems.
I have moments of insecurity and I make mistakes. Age is irrelevant.
I'm good with kids and kind to animals (both 2 and 4 legged...animals that is)!
It doesn't matter how much I lift but how well I lift it.
My math skills are under-utilized.Complaining doesn't change the rules.
I love to snuggle on the couch and watch action adventure movies.
My scholastic degrees were more about personal achievements for me than anything else.
I love the chance to be flirtatious and can laugh at myself when I get caught in the act.
I know my way around the kitchen.I love to kiss and be kissed.I love maple walnut fudge.
I can read a map.
I can competently follow the directions from Ikea.
I think smart sane men who know what they want are sexy.
I think men who are judgmental, pretentious game players are dull.
I don't care how much you make or what you drive or which parties you hit so far this year.
My philosophy can generally be summed up by the following creed;

eat good food, reapect your body, embrace truth, challenge hate, learn something everyday,put in more than you take, laugh at yourself whenever possible & live life fully