Burning Man 2012

So I've made a decision to attend Burning Man in 2012. I wanted to go this event for several years...alright like 10yrs, but have always found an excuse not to attend. Mostly I think it is just fear...fear of what I'm not to sure but over the next 11 months I will document my thoughts and preparation as it unfolds. I hope in that time that I will be able to uncover whatever fear has been holding me back. Perhaps the discovery will open my heart and eyes to other fears and thus freedom from them. I believe that the result will be a life changing adventure.

I have found several links and have started a dialogue with one of the organizers of a sober camp on the Playa - Camp Stella and I have joined their Yahoo group and actually been in touch with one of their organizers....the great thing is that these are SOBER gay people experiencing the event together!

change

There is an incredible amount of information available to anyone who wants to "change". But what is it that any of us wants to change... that makes a difference? For me I thought I wanted to be someone else...to feel accomplished or successful or important. The intersting thing I 've learned was if I honestly looked at my motives and the dream I was chasing the end result I desired was to be some form of superficial embodiment...none of which would bring me happiness. When I deconstruct, scrutinize or otherwise analyze those I would want to be I realize I don't truly know more than what is presented. Pain, shame, insecurities are not something most people wear on the outside except in extremes, so the idols I venerate, like most humans, suffer with their own demons and defaults.

So I'm left with this...if I determined what I needed to realize real happiness then perhaps I would then know what had to change. Ergo the only thing I need to change is my understanding of happiness. If happiness is the absence of misery and misery is defined as wretchedness of condition or circumstances then my life could be defined as happy. Iam not without challenges...but I have a job I like ...alot! And I have friends who love and respect me and want to be in my company. and...most importantly...I have family that love me for who I am and what I beleive in. Not a bad deal as those are the things that last, the things that matter...to me.

Perhaps you might value other things and that's ok, as long as I keep in mind that I don't have to subscribe to those values...OR....hold my values up to them for comparison. It's worth mentioning that I will stay happier if I neither judged your idea of happiness as better...or worse...than my own...mine is mine...yours is yours.

wallpaper2

Burning Man 2012

I am determined to go to Burning Man 2012...there is a sober community that is present and I intend to experience it in 2012!!

wallpaper1

I make these wallpaper images (1600x900) for my desktop...ya know..just little reminders to keep me focused..in case I forget, which I do more often than I would prefer! Anyway, a friend of mine thought I should put them up in case someone might like the reminder too! I wasn't too sure where to put them...maybe this isn't the best, but it's as good a place as any. I really only share the URL with people I trust anyway...so if you're reading this you certainly pass the trustworthy profile, or just happen to get here on your own...whatever. In the event you happen to like one of them...just click the image, then right click to save...

If you've stumble across this blog and I've used an image that belongs to you and you don't want it distributed let me know and I'll remove it. Most of the phrases or words are from my head or inspired by someone elses head. Exact quotes are acknowledged. Images are generally found online and treated in Photoshop.

breathe

I recall sitting in an ashram in Atlanta listening to the teacher reminding her students to stay in the moment....the tool she taught us to use that night was ...the breath...

It was all about feeling the breath as it made its journey in and out of the body. It's an amazing thing when you stop to consider the breath passing in and out...it's all but impossible to be anywhere except in that moment...its peace.

Trusting the process

Sometimes it seems that it is so easy to go with the flow. Life fits comfortably, I look good in it and I can  mosy along at a pace that feels right. And then there's the rest of the time. When I first got clean it seemed that "the rest of the time" was 90% or more some times hovering closer to 99.9%. But over the last year it feels like more a pretty even split and there are even moments when I feel like it's dipped comfortably into that low 40 percentile range! After the Roundup this year it may have even gone into the 30's!! So when the "rest of the time", those moments when life feels like its wrinkled and unkempt...when it's binding and it looks like cheesy vintage wanna-be, flair up I get blindsided.
After my mom's accident in October I've been hanging in the high 50's of poop. I find the concept of self is more common than I would prefer. My problems suddenly seem greater than yours! It was if my mom's accident happened to me!!! I moped around for a couple of weeks wrapped in a couple layers of pity, fear and self. I forgot that it was not about me...in fact, I wasn't even there helping my mom. I sat at home criticizing my brother - criticizing his addiction and his rage and his self pity. Oh, how easy it is too see my own reflection while not even realizing that I'm holding a mirror.
But I digress...my mom left the hosital and moved to a physical rehab facility to help her learn how to walk again (seems she damaged the portion of the brain that processed her knowledge of walking) and after 3 weeks they sent her home. While this was going on my brother was doing what he could to help out (admittedly I was convinced he was pawning her belongings, running up her credit cards and other dastardly activities including smoking in her new car which she can't even drive...I know, I know what can I say?)  This past Monday she was taken back to the hospital...her speech slurred and she could barely get around with a walker. Today they did an MRI ans some other brain tests to find out whats happening and honestly it doesn't appear good.
These events paint a pretty unflattering picture of me I'm ashamed to admit. But there is some good news...honest. Slowly over the last couple of weeks I have realized that I was looking at my own character defects when I thought I was looking at my brother. Make no mistake he is no saint...but that son of a bitch is doing something! Whether he wanted to or not he has been a son to my mom. He has helped her out of bed and lifted her off the floor. He has taken her to the bathroom, the hospital and made her meals. He has been there when she cried and bitched and come to grips with her own mortality. I have a new respect for him. I even envy him for having the chance to help our mom. I have found a new humility too. This, though isn't about me...it's about my mom and about my brother. This is about putting my faith in God. This about trusting that God is letting this unfold the way He wants it to unfold. It's about acceptance. God will take care of my mom and when it is my turn to be there He will see to it that I go.