halloween kookoo

It's that time of year...the leaves are changing, the clock turned back, halloween. And, this year we've added the Atlanta Gay Pride festival!! One of my friends calls it the perfect storm! He's in recovery too and for many gay men in recovery gay Pride or Halloween use to be all about partying! So for a lot of us, your's truly included, it's a double whammy! I didn't think much of it this year and actually got  into the swing of it...I've been isolating a little too much recently...letting my roomate scare my face out and participate both Halloween Eve and Halloween in costume and scary face! Friday night we went to a part in East Atlanta that was being thrown by one of our sober friends...we were just barely on the property and dead in front of me was the "stalker".

The stalker is an ex-boyfriend who dumped me and then wouldn't leave me alone...One of those types who wanted, for some conscious easing reason to maintain a friendship with their "ex". Mine was the kind who wouldn't leave me alone. Always calling me when he split up with his amore-du-jour or wanting favors or sex. I was crushed by our break-up and would go out of my way to make myself available to him. I should mention that I lost my sobriety over him, moved twice & sold my house. I bought him whatever I thought would make him happy and would skip any event just to be near him. I was sick! Very sick. Even after I got sober I still would do anything for him until one dauy someone asked me what I was getting???? Ummm?? Let's see...ya see it's like this....ummmm....oh wait...not a fucking thing! So I got him out of my life. I asked him to leave me alone, to allow me some time to get over it. Ya see for two years or more since he dumped me he would get in touch with me at least once a month. So I never had a chance to grieve, or whatever you're suppose to do when ya get dumped...maybe make a voodoo doll?? Anyway he just wouldn't I had him banned from my jobs, blocked him from any site I was on online, and finally changed my phone number! Up until 3 months ago he would still call me at work asking to talk to me! Needless to say, unless ya didn't pick up the vibe...he drove me kookoo.

So it's been awhile since he had tried to contact me and even longer since I've seen him. Sadly he could not just ignore me...he had to walk up and say hi...couldn't he get a hug? I just stood there, dumbfounded... speechless infact, unable to comprehend what was going on! I mumbled something andd walked away, but the rest of the 30+ minutes we were there was ackward and uncomfortable. It seemed like where I was, no matter who I was taling to, he was always right in front of me...almost like he was putting himself in my field of vision. Perhaps he was, or perhaps it was my imagination, either way we left shortly afterward. It was wierd because as we were in the car turning around to leave...he and and his party decided to leave too.

So I'm a little crazy again. Unhappy that my space was broken with the unpleasant collision of our individual worlds. It was coincidence that we were both at the same party of that I'm sure, but not one I would have wished for. I don't wish him ill, infact I wish for him to be happy...but maybe happy in another state..not the one I live in!

living

My mom was born in 1927 and god willing she'll be 83 in January. Recently she had a car accident which she described as minor, which totaled her car. Now my mom is pretty sharp and very independent and even more so since my dad died in 1980. Anyway, she had this accident and when we spoke on the phone she said she was just fine..you know how mothers are about worrying their children...so I was pretty surprised when my brother John called a few days later to say she was in the hospital. Initially he thought it was a stroke but later on it seems it was, as she described...my brain rattling around in my head! From a neurological standpoint she had suffered from some swelling of the brain that caused some equilibrium problems. She is going to get some physical therapy to help her "remember" how to walk, but otherwise she has been pronounced fit. Mostly she seems annoyed by the inconvenience of it all. When I asked her why she thought she was in the hospital she replied that she was helping finance the first fiscal quarter of the hospital for next year...lol. She's a character that woman!
I've been frightened thinking about losing my mom. Afraid that I would be alone without her to laugh with and bullshit with about cooking and telling dirty jokes! I was completely selfish, wrapped up in my own little sad self. Instead I should be talking to my mom about all the fun she has had in her life, the wonderful friends she has and has had. The adventures she's had and the parties she's thrown. See, my mom has had an incredible rich life. She hasn't had a lot of money yet that never stopped her as she had so much more. She has touched so many peoples lives in ways I don't even think I can begin to understand. She has lived a beautiful life. And continues to do just that...so celebrate with me and celebrate with your mom or your dad and try not to be sad for a loss that hasn't happened but rejoice for a life that has....

eat good food

I have a creed that I try to live by...I'm human, I fail daily, though I keep on trying to get it right...

Eat good food, help others, embrace truth, challenge hate, put in more than you take, laugh at yourself whenever possible, trust god

pssst...

...ya wanna know the secret...give it all away! give away everything that is important...it's not yours to hang onto anyway. give away your smiles, your love, your truth, your hope, your joy, your dreams...give it all away!!!!! just imagine what would happen if everyone did that..geez what would you do if  at every corner at every  minute someone was giving you their smile... or their hope... or their love...wouldn't that be cool!??

sappy

I watched 50 First Dates tonight and I have to admit (though it is with some embarrassment) that I like chick/date flicks. (*note; this entry is in no way a derogatory assessment against the real women in my life who I have the highest regard and admiration for...after all they have to put up with men!!!) I particularly prefer the romantic comedy type (you can keep Terms of Endearment). Don't get me wrong I can watch the hell outa a guy flick, gimme a car chase or explosion any day of the week...hell ya dude!!! lol... But if ya wanna see the real me...pop in a Drew Barrymore or Julia Roberts comedy with a happy ending and I'm a sap. Here is a list (in no particular order) of some of my favorites;

50 First Dates
You’ve Got Mail
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
When Harry Met Sally
Notting Hill
Sleepless in Seattle
There’s Something About Mary
The Holiday
The Princess Bride
Sweet Home Alabama
Never Been Kissed
The Wedding Date
Serendipity
What’s up Doc
While you were Sleeping
It Could Happen to You
Shakespeare in Love
Ever After
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Pretty Woman
Doc Hollywood

What does all this say about me?? Well first and foremost I'm a big wimpy ass girl!  Watery eyes, heaving chest, shit eating happy grin woman! What can I say? But it also tells me that I have hope! I have hope that there is some lucky son of a bitch out there for me. That after almost 40 years of dating there is still hope that I'm going to head down the same path with some other guy that happens to be heading the same way as me. I trust this is so! I hope that we can support and respect and encourage and be honest with each other. I hope that we can laugh at each other and with each other. I hope that we can talk about my dreams and his dreams and our dreams. I hope we can help others whenever and wherever we get the chance. I hope we can fuck like bunnies and sleep late on Sundays and cook for our friends every week. I hope we can grow old together. I hope that we can celebrate life together. It's a lot of hope I know,  but WTF I'm a big wimpy girl...lol!

waking up slowly

Sometimes when I get up in a hurry I'm a little disoriented, like I don't know what day it is, or what I need to do first. And then there are times when I lay in bed for a few and sorta gather in the clues to my existence. It's kinda like when I was using and woke up from a black-out except there are no drugs or booze. And that's how my life is sometimes, like I woke up too fast and got disoriented. What I've learned is that in those moments if I just take a few and kinda put the clues together I do a lot better.

being available

I'm over cell phones! I no longer like the fact that they make me available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I know that I can always choose NOT to answer it..but...ya know what happens then - the text msg! Is it just me or is the text message the final chapter in the decline of civilization? I have friends who use that "tool" to a fault, though any use is subject to a foul a far as I'm concerned. Are we so caught up in ourselves that we can't take 1 minute to call?? And I call bullshit on the argument that "sometimes there is no time to call", or"I wasn't in a place I could talk"!! WML - call me when you have a minute, it's OK. If you're running late I'll figure it out when the appointed time strikes. here is one text I don't mind...call me!