past the bathroom into the meadow

For a while I've been seeing a therapist. She pokes and peeks and prods and looks for stuff I've tucked away. Most of what she's looking for is the stuff I have either forgotten about or buried under layers of distorted memories, shame, remorse and the usual psychohooha that mindful prospectors like her pick up, roll around in their hands and toss to the side - the stuff I think is potentially valuable! Of course these are the little treasures I have carefully constructed, albeit somewhat unconsciously, to distract me from, well me. My therapist stumbled across a vein today, I'm not 100% sure how she found it, perhaps she wasn't so sure either, but she persistently scraped away the debris confident that there was an authentic relic within reach. We trudged into the dark and hit a wall. I wasn't afraid of the dark just didn't see beyond, but damned if she didn't hand me a pick and patiently waited for me to bust through. When I finally got through we were in in my blue tiled bathroom on Hillcrest? Huh? I ruminated about what had brought me to Tallahassee and that blue bathroom...what I had lost or given away to arrive in this tiny tiled room...finally ending up on that day I got sober. Only this time instead of flushing pot down the toilet I flushed my fear of success. Don't judge I'm still a little uncomfortable acknowledging that I have this fear. Anyway, we left the little bathroom and went out to the parking lot of the building. When I first walked out the door there were cars and even the U-Haul from when I moved...then poof they were gone. So there we were standing in fromt of Hillcrest and I said we could go left or right but the school was in front over the fence and then there was a wall. Guess which way we went? Through the wall of course (note that given the option a therapist will always make you go through the wall!) and I swear this is true there was a meadow through the wall! One of those dreamy lush rolling meadows with wild flowers and a tree on the hill.

The point to all this is that sometime there is going to be a wall, it might be literal or metaphorical, but either way, I believe, if you're looking for answers that is, you're going to end up there...at the wall. Go ahead, go through it...don't worry if you end up in the blue tiled bathroom, cuz after you flush the toilet you can go to the pretty meadow.

next steps

Well I registered for my ticket! I looked over the form like 20 times after I registered before I hit send!!! And by the end of the day had convinced myself that I had enteredd somethng wrong..of course I didn't but until I get the confirmation that I have been awarded a ticket I'll be convinced that I said I live in Timbuktu...Next on my agenda of must do's is to decide about where to camp? It probably doesn't have to be the next decision, but it will give me something to get excited about while I save for my airline ticket. Up until recently I was pretty certain that I would camp with a group of gay sober people. But there seems to be a lack of activity on that user group, which undoubtly will change as the event draws near. However, since I've been on the eplaya I've connected with several people who stay in Barbie Death Camp and the "mayor" of that village asked me if I wanted to join their group of "ne'er-do-wells"!! I've been up and down on this thought..more up than down. First off, this is not a group of sober people...in all honesty they are the antithesist of sober..a hedonistic group of Bacchus revelers is perhaps a more apropos definition. Be that as it may is a small group of sober or non party people who, coincidently, are the same group I have found myself drawn to in the first place. So now I believe that I would prefer to camp with them in the depths of insanity...lol. I'm honestly not worried about my sobriety. I have been honest with myself about my intentions since I first decided to go. I'm aware of the potential for using at an event like this. But if I was going to use I could do it anywhere...
I will delay my decision until after I am awarded my ticket but we both know which camp I'll choose....don't we?

So many people I never knew I know

I was talking on a forum tonight on the Burning Man Eplaya and mentioned that "I wonder why there are so many people on here that I feel I've met before...???" I recieved many comment to the effect that...(ah, slowly, surely he becomes one of us)... and one woman forward the above picture that resonated that deja vu feeling perfectly...no coincidences...

check out some of her other images here if you have a sec... they are perfect!