Today is a year in half since I started living my life. Let me explain, I am an addict. I am predisposed to using drugs, alcohol or anything I can find to "medicate" myself. You see I was afraid to live. I didn't know how. This is not my parents fault or the school systems fault or even the fault of the government (though I must admit it would be nice to blame it on someone and the government would be an easy target). No, there is nothing to blame it on… I am just genetically predisposed to addictive tendencies. I have on two separate occasions stopped using and lived sober. I stayed clean the first time for about 2 yrs. It was in the late 1980's and my mother put me in rehab. The 2nd time was in 1995 and I stayed clean about 9 yrs. That time the courts ordered me in to the rooms. You know when you get clean and you hear what other clean people have to say and you try and it works it's hard to go back out and stay out. At least it was for me. The 3rd time I chose to come back. I guess I just got tired of hurting so much. I didn't know how to live without using… I take that back…I chose to use because it was the easiest way...I didn't know how to live.
Living requires responsibility.
Living requires me to pull my weight, to pay my bills, to be compassionate not only to others but more importantly to myself.
Living requires me to get a job.
Living doesn't mean I have to be dull or unhappy but it does mean I can't always have my way and do what I want to do when I want. Most times it's about the rest of the world and requires me to do my part to keep it spinning. Living requires me to be honest, caring and happy. It requires me to help others when I can not when I want. I lived most of my life taking and now I need to give back. Make no mistake I didn't take because I was a selfish self-centered ego maniac! Nope…I took because I was a selfish, self-centered ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
Using for me is no longer a choice…and I can live with that.
btw: in the event that you are asking yourself why I went back out twice...the only explanation I can offer is that I chose to use again. I forgot the pain. A better question might be how in the hell did I survive those two excursions back to insanity?
Living requires responsibility.
Living requires me to pull my weight, to pay my bills, to be compassionate not only to others but more importantly to myself.
Living requires me to get a job.
Living doesn't mean I have to be dull or unhappy but it does mean I can't always have my way and do what I want to do when I want. Most times it's about the rest of the world and requires me to do my part to keep it spinning. Living requires me to be honest, caring and happy. It requires me to help others when I can not when I want. I lived most of my life taking and now I need to give back. Make no mistake I didn't take because I was a selfish self-centered ego maniac! Nope…I took because I was a selfish, self-centered ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
Using for me is no longer a choice…and I can live with that.
btw: in the event that you are asking yourself why I went back out twice...the only explanation I can offer is that I chose to use again. I forgot the pain. A better question might be how in the hell did I survive those two excursions back to insanity?
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