What to do when there are no walls..

I'm at a spot...I pushed through a wall and ended up in the bathroom, pushed forward and hit another wall that opened to a meadow but then where?

I was thinking it represented freedom - but what is freedom? Freedom from what or who? I thought freedom from responsibility, but I'm challenged by my Teacher (aka therapist - but isn't she helping me to learn?) to consider that there is no freedom from responsibility..huh?

I'm realizing this is true, responsibility is what brings peace. Think about this, if I'm taking care of myself, clothing myself, feeding myself, protecting myself from physical harm this is responsibility. But, there is more than physical responsibility - there is financial responsibility, moral responsibility, familial responsibility, social, civic, platonic, spiritual, emotional...well you get the point, without responsibility, well, there's not much. So how can I have any real peace, satisfaction, serenity, joy, happiness whatever you're searching for without  - responsibility. In my search I cannot deny that I have to embrace responsibility - yes, even the more mundane responsibilities like paying bills - in order to move closer to finding the questions.

 

And how can anyone find an answer unless they first know the question?.

 

So here's my next question - why am I afraid of money?

 

What, if any, is the relationship of money to my success?

 

If I mismanage my finances does my mismanagement affect my success?

 

past the bathroom into the meadow

For a while I've been seeing a therapist. She pokes and peeks and prods and looks for stuff I've tucked away. Most of what she's looking for is the stuff I have either forgotten about or buried under layers of distorted memories, shame, remorse and the usual psychohooha that mindful prospectors like her pick up, roll around in their hands and toss to the side - the stuff I think is potentially valuable! Of course these are the little treasures I have carefully constructed, albeit somewhat unconsciously, to distract me from, well me. My therapist stumbled across a vein today, I'm not 100% sure how she found it, perhaps she wasn't so sure either, but she persistently scraped away the debris confident that there was an authentic relic within reach. We trudged into the dark and hit a wall. I wasn't afraid of the dark just didn't see beyond, but damned if she didn't hand me a pick and patiently waited for me to bust through. When I finally got through we were in in my blue tiled bathroom on Hillcrest? Huh? I ruminated about what had brought me to Tallahassee and that blue bathroom...what I had lost or given away to arrive in this tiny tiled room...finally ending up on that day I got sober. Only this time instead of flushing pot down the toilet I flushed my fear of success. Don't judge I'm still a little uncomfortable acknowledging that I have this fear. Anyway, we left the little bathroom and went out to the parking lot of the building. When I first walked out the door there were cars and even the U-Haul from when I moved...then poof they were gone. So there we were standing in fromt of Hillcrest and I said we could go left or right but the school was in front over the fence and then there was a wall. Guess which way we went? Through the wall of course (note that given the option a therapist will always make you go through the wall!) and I swear this is true there was a meadow through the wall! One of those dreamy lush rolling meadows with wild flowers and a tree on the hill.

The point to all this is that sometime there is going to be a wall, it might be literal or metaphorical, but either way, I believe, if you're looking for answers that is, you're going to end up there...at the wall. Go ahead, go through it...don't worry if you end up in the blue tiled bathroom, cuz after you flush the toilet you can go to the pretty meadow.

The places I've been

Like most I’m always looking for understanding about who I am. Of course, to know who you are (and thus where you’re going) requires some examination of where one started. As such, here is an elementary (and annotated) list of the places I have been;

• In my tree fort (no girlz allowed)

• Floating in the river behind my house (homemade rafts were always the best)

• Hitch-hiking on Route 66 from Chicago to LA (I thought I was the great adventurer)

• Passed out on a sidewalk (beer than liquor ... never sicker)

• To my father’s graveside ( though it took me another 30 yrs to actually bury him)

• In a dirt garage lifting weights (with the serious juice heads)

• In lots of fancy athletic clubs lifting weights (with the disco tits boiz)

• On the overnight train from Paris to Florence (and I was still late for class)

• Hiking a hillside near Pisa(nirvana with a crusty loaf and aqua con gas)

• Camping naked (the full monty)

• On a 100 mile canoe trip (who knew I could kneel that long)

• Playing right field (I still can’t catch)

• In a rehab hospital (it was completely about the drama)

• To five schools of higher learning (but only received 2 degrees)

• The Millennium March on DC and “The Wedding” at the Lincoln Memorial (the former an unfuckingbelievable success…the latter a personal failure)

• To the closing of the Monster in Key West (it was all about decadence)

• On either side of a soup line both have their rewards)

• To too many funerals (know your sero-status and the status of those you sleep with)

• On my knees giving thanks and asking help (find Something to believe in)

• To tea dances and t-rooms (when they were fresh and when they got old)

• Quadrilatero d’oro in Milan (truly excessive, who did I think I was?)

• To AA, NA, CMA, and SCA meetings (and at last I understand how it works)

• In a classroom – teaching and learning (again both have their rewards)

• To Burning Man (without the assistance of any mind altering stimulus)

• To therapy (sincere effort will enable genuine change)

• To all the places I’ve ever needed to go. (admittedly, unaware of the fundamental lessons and too aware of the superfluous)

My philosophy can generally be summed up by the following creed; eat good food, be humble, embrace truth, challenge hate, put in more than you take, test fear, laugh at yourself whenever possible, dance regularly, find your courage, seize faith & live

after the Burn

It's been 12 days since the Man burned. And a week since I came back to my "real"world. I suddenly feel so alone. Of course, I have my mom, who I take care of and, who was happy that I had such an unbelievable time. I have my co-workers who were glad to have me back at work and reveled in my tales from the unknown. But I'm empty without my friends, the first real friends I've had in years. The adventure, in retrospect, feels more like a dream. You know the kind where you're in a fantastical place, surrounded by your family and friends but you don't recognize them? You know they can be trusted, they love you and yet they're strangers. Strangers in the sense that you know their spirit - you feel connected to it - but somehow you know so very little of who they are. Where did they come from? Go to school? What about their family? Jobs? Passions? Disappointments? How did they end up in the same place at the same time? I feel kinda cheated that I know so little...that despite the enormity of the adventure that I didn't get a chance to learn more about these people I love. That I only got to live, really live, with them for one brilliant moment that was over before it even started. And then there was my own personal adventure, I barely had a chance to see anything...there was so much to do and I didn't have enough time!! Never enough time....
But before it seems that I sound dissatisfied...let me assure you that I had the most remarkable journey. Yes it was like a dream but it was more than in color in was in PANAVISION! in TECHNICOLOR! in CINEMASCOPE!!! It felt like the first time I stepped into Times Square times 10. The daytime was for embracing my community, for learning something about them or laughing or just chilling. The nighttime was when the city got an injection of adrenaline! If it was a breathing organism in the daytime it became a hyperventilating explosion of light and sound at night. Even the most focused person suffered from attention deficit disorder once the sun slipped behind the mountains. All of my senses were heightened but mostly the auditory and visual senses Perhaps the dryness of the area impaired my sense of touch, taste and smell. It was like every drip of moisture was sucked from my hands. My mouth full of dust or masked and my nostrils haven for indestructible concrete boogers! And I was ALIVE!There was no direction to turn that wasn't filled with lights and sound. I was disoriented almost every night until I found the big orange Safety Cone at the 3:00 portal - and lost the last night when it suddenly disappeared taunting me for not securing a second landmark! I danced and danced as if no one was watching at Robot Heart and Bump Bed...where did they come from I didn't understand just that the music pulled me in and wouldn't let me go till I was sweaty and spent.
And the Burns...the Core burns, Anubis, the Temple and the Man can anyone describe the sensation? You're probably a better writer than I am...
When can I go back home...?

snail mail

I have this idea for an art project. My hope is to bring it to Burning Man I was thikning something along these lines

• Get people to mail themselves a postcard to BRCPO perhaps something handmade
• Have it delivered by one of the BRCPO volunteers (I’ll be volunteering for certain!! – maybe I’ll document people receiving their mail!!)
• Put together some traveling art case to allow people to make their own outgoing postcard - gift them a stamp - and collect the mail and take it to the BRCPO to be postmarked after the Burn.
• Hang out at Center Camp, the Temple and some of the art installations, big theme camps and collect more mail. 
• I understand that in years past BRC has had a commemorative, special events USPS cancellation stamp.

I'm thinking it might be cool to send a card to some of the people I've met on eplaya. That way I could be sure to meet them in the dust...and wouldn't it be cool to bring them a card!!

The other thing I've been thiking about is gifting...I wanna make and gift

• Bacon Jam
• Peanut Butter Fudge
• Dark Choclate Fudge with Bacon
• Medjool dates filled with  something...frozen pear?
• Cookies
• Figs

This is just where my head is today...

next steps

Well I registered for my ticket! I looked over the form like 20 times after I registered before I hit send!!! And by the end of the day had convinced myself that I had enteredd somethng wrong..of course I didn't but until I get the confirmation that I have been awarded a ticket I'll be convinced that I said I live in Timbuktu...Next on my agenda of must do's is to decide about where to camp? It probably doesn't have to be the next decision, but it will give me something to get excited about while I save for my airline ticket. Up until recently I was pretty certain that I would camp with a group of gay sober people. But there seems to be a lack of activity on that user group, which undoubtly will change as the event draws near. However, since I've been on the eplaya I've connected with several people who stay in Barbie Death Camp and the "mayor" of that village asked me if I wanted to join their group of "ne'er-do-wells"!! I've been up and down on this thought..more up than down. First off, this is not a group of sober people...in all honesty they are the antithesist of sober..a hedonistic group of Bacchus revelers is perhaps a more apropos definition. Be that as it may is a small group of sober or non party people who, coincidently, are the same group I have found myself drawn to in the first place. So now I believe that I would prefer to camp with them in the depths of insanity...lol. I'm honestly not worried about my sobriety. I have been honest with myself about my intentions since I first decided to go. I'm aware of the potential for using at an event like this. But if I was going to use I could do it anywhere...
I will delay my decision until after I am awarded my ticket but we both know which camp I'll choose....don't we?

Ticket

Whoa! Well the holidays are over. This year was one of nicest I've had in I don't know how long. Maybe it was because this year I didn't have any expectations. Save making sure the holiday was good for mom. She had a great time, the family came to visit on Christmas day...no one thought about food or anything which was good because I had made sure there was enough and then some. In fact there was enough for them to all take something home!
But now it's time for TICKETS! That's right Burning Man 2012 main sale tickets go on sale in a few days! I'm trying to decide if I will go for it all and just register for all three tiers...or rather be prepared to pay up to the highest amount for a ticket! It means that if I should get a ticket at that level I will pay over $400, including S&H or whatever extra they charge over the cost of the ticket. The middle tier is $320 which would give me 25,000 chances to win a space. However if I kick it up to $390 it gives me an additional 15,000 chances or 40K. I could still win a spot at the lowest tier but:
Q: How do I increase my chances of getting a ticket in the Main Sale?A: You can increase your chances by opting into all the pricing tiers. (We believe, based on many years of analyzing supply and demand, that most participants will find they are able to access a ticket on an acceptable timeline.)
I figure as this is my first year I am willing to make some sacrifices in other areas to increase my chances. Or conversely if someone said "well you could have had a ticket if you had only agreed to pay another $70..." well...I'd be kinda disappointed. The bottom line then...how bad do I wanna go? The answer? Pretty bad! If by chance I don't get a ticket I will at least know that I tried as best I could. And isn't hat the way to apprioach anything? Doing the best ya can...