my neurotransmitters

All my life I've heard one thing, always the same thing…"if you would pay attention you could accomplish so much" ... I've wondered for a long time what the problem was and I finally decided to ask someone…and this was what I found out…my problem is chemical…my neurotransmitters don't talk to each other! Bad neurotransmitters! And the professionals call this ADHD which includes, among others, these cause and effects;

ADHD - Problems with attention, impulsivity and hyperactivity

Hyperactivity/restlessness: Due to motor activity, not anxiety. These people crave excitement and stimulation.

Communication: Meaningful relationships. However, personal relationships may be difficult and uncertain. Because of egocentricity, poor focus, distractibility, intolerance, etc.

Impatience: Constantly frustrated and crave instant gratification

Excessive behavior: 1) talking due to anxiety, not hyperactivity 2) alcohol/ drugs to self-medicate for anxiety (marijuana popular as it gives a sense of relaxation) 3) movement due to anxiety, not hyperactivity

Go figure :)

verbs

some verbs to consider..

dare
learn
meditate
grow
challenge
seek
endeavor
fail
protest
explore
trust
embrace
imagine
believe
give
accept
dream
dance
laugh
cry
share
love
change
grieve
remember
live!

living

I had a chance recently to sit with my teacher. We talked about lots of things - kind of a freefall of conversation. During the conversation I spoke about a fear I have. That fear is that I will live to be 90 years old. I favor my mother's side of the family and they live long. So unless for some reason I am invited to meet my maker a few years early I'm fearful that I will reach that age and find myself alone and old (duh). We sat for a minute and then she asked me to recall my friends and family that were gone. My friends lost to AIDS. My friends lost to addiction, or those who had just been lost too early in their lives. My dad died at 58, my brother is lost in addiction. There are so many that are gone, too many. So she suggested that what better way to honor them then to live life to the absolute fullest. To grasp for everything life had to offer, to enjoy everyone and everything I had the chance to enjoy. To live life for those who could not. To not waste a single moment of the 35 years I have left. Ya know that's a lot of dancing, laughing, eating, and loving. It's a lot of reaching out to others who need help. It's a lot of learning and a lot of teaching. So I say to those of you that are reading this – live! It doesn't matter what you fear - don't let it steal one more minute of your life. Live for all those you have lost. Wouldn't you expect the same from those you one day will leave behind?

my brother

My brother is a crack addict. He lives on the street in New Orleans. He has done some things that some might consider unforgivable and despicable. But, he is my brother and I love him. I pray for him everyday. I pray that he should be warm and have food. I pray that he find some place safe to lay his head down at night. And I pray that he might ask for help. That's all I can do for him. I have to accept that he is sick and that unless he wants help I cannot force him to take it from me. But I can love him until he can love himself. Being an addict I know that until I was ready to surrender I could find no hope. I had to want to live more than I wanted to die. But once I honestly made that choice everything changed. Not overnight, but it changed. Maybe today my brother will have the courage to make that choice…and maybe not. It's his choice, not mine.

clear

Clear. How long can you stay in the moment? In this very minute could you remove all thought of the next moment…or next week? It's hard, sometimes impossible, to stay present. Everyday it's easier for me to stay out of the past...resentment, disappointment, regret...they hang in the past. But the future, next month, next week, tomorrow even two minutes from now…it's hard as hell for me to stay out of the future. Anticipation, anxiety, expectation, fear…they live in the future. They are the company I keep when I hang out in the future. Awareness of this moment frees me from those companions, allows me to really live! If I can be conscious of not where I am but when I am, perhaps I can then be conscious of my choices. I might make those choices count. Can you live in this extraordinary moment?

tattoo

I think I want a tattoo that says -

honesty, hope, faith, courage, integrity, willingness, humility, brotherly love, justice, perserverance, spiritual awareness, service.

i'm thinking of adding gratitude to the list...

what if reincarnation is true?

Recently I was at Darshan and (Swami) Jaya Devi was teaching about being compassionate to ourselves and others. After the meditation she was answering questions and this thought came to mind...

what if the addict is actually reincarnated to a higher level and the addiction is nothing more than unresolved pain from a previous life?

I'm going to try to process this thought…keep up with me if you can.

This idea hedges on several thoughts…what if… reincarnation is true?...the lower mind is the ego?...the higher mind is my connection with a higher power? What if when I finish with one life – when I've learned all I can in that life – at the end of that journey I had unresolved pain? And the unresolved pain I had from my last life was so close to the surface that when I was reborn my lower mind managed to get to my unresolved pain first…that pain manifested then in the form of addiction – drugs, alcohol, sex, money…and until I can let go of that pain – these addictions…I can't continue my journey. Now if I was on a higher plane I might have been able to get cleaner earlier but I reach that point when I my higher mind reachs the level of acceptance it requires to get clean. If all this is true, does it mean that now that I have gotten clean and come to the understanding about this "evolution" that I can continue on my journey? I mean, what if…?