When what I know isn't what I feel

I was always under the misguided belief that there was a Prince Charming..that one day he would come along and life would be so much more. I totally bought into the Cinderella phenomena; that there aforementioned fantasy was real and that any moment he would show up with my other Nike Shox! I was always under the belief that there would be that One Perfect Love...ya know the one. That one close to perfect guy that I fit together with like a puzzle...the one who "had me at hello". Imagine my surprise when I found out, no, make that - finally believed the previous mentioned fantasies were in fact no more than that. SHIT!
Well the Prince thing I get, but I still wonder if there wasn't the One Perfect Love? If I subscribe to that belief could I presume that during T.U.Y. (The Using Years) that maybe I did, in fact, meet this Mr Wonderful and was just too bonzo to know it and he simply got on a different train than I? Perhaps that OPL has expired! Following this theory, if I know (or choose to believe) can I then stop looking/waiting and just f'n got on with LIFE. Perhaps I was not cut out to be a one-on-one sorta guy (no punned intended). So I wonder, perhaps I ought to approach this from a different perspective and maintain several relationships with men that each serve a different purpose. I could have "movie guy", dinner guy", "gym guy, "sex guy" "coffee guy" "kickin at the park guy"...the list might be endless or maybe some guys serve a dual role.."movie/dinner", "gym/sex" etc...
Maybe the roles are not even that clear, but I know that I need to re-think what I know and put it in line with what I feel.

dare to participate

life generally seems to me to be about opportunity and choice. i know it's probably more complex than that but i'm a simple guy and so keeping it simple in all things make my life a little more relaxing. i have a hard time with stress. what i'm beginning to realize is that i have had a plethora of opportunity and refused to make a choice...procrastinating on what the right choice would be. as of late i seem to be making more choices, albeit not always the best choice, a choice nonetheless. life is about these things and about making choices and participating in the outcome of those choices. the best part is that if it's not the best choice i'll no better when the choice arrives again.

mindfulness

I've been trying to be more mindful lately. It's very much like living in the moment for me. Being conscious of where I am in the world...my connection to whats going on around me. Listening. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. My mind is sorta like one of those superballs..all over the place bouncing off everything and taking forever to settle down. A friend of mine put it in terms I could wrap myself around "its like going to the gym and training a muscle...repetition and practice"

the ego in the attic

Every so often I like to make a trip up to the attic. My attic looks like those you see or can picture with ease. There is a round window inside a dormer. Outside it's just barely grey like the first snow is set in the afternoon sky. The light in the attic is bright enough and the bare incandescent bulb adds some shadows and even seems to make the attic a bit warmer feeling. There are several old chest of drawers filled with yellowing black and white family pictures of my grandad and his peonies. And some of my brother and I all dressed up for easter with our dad. Pics of my mom and dad laughing over barbeques, dinner parties, camping and in front of the old buick are in the lot.
The wood floor creaks with age here and there. Just over there by the window is my old trunk. My high school cap and gown wrapped in plastic sit on top. Leaning against are my framed Bachelors and Masters Diplomas. The treasure inside is what I want to look at though. Inside I find all sorts of memories. Old love letters and cards...funny I haven't picked them up in a long time and yet they still tug at my heart, sadly. There are those old polaroids of our Halloween pumpkin carving (there was such a stupid argument about what to carve) and that chicken pot pie we made...I remember that tiny little apartment off Logan Circle, never enough room for anything - always he asked me to stop bringing home more "stuff". There's the Garden Book - the one with the ideas for how we would plan out the garden, the house... paint samples and pages torn from House and Garden and Metropolitan Home, only then it was Met Apt. - we'll never do that or I can't stand that, he would say! Pictures from that terrible vacation to P-Town on my B-day. Here are scraps...and notes and e-mails. Airline stubs to Savannah, receipts from the Marriott on the River and 7th floor Hilton room with the balcony. Here are some pics from that days in the park in Savannah...climbing trees and basketball....it was fun then...at the beginning before my drugs, before my tequila, before he left to live on the internet to get away from me...
Enough of those pics, those memories...there toward the bottom of the trunk is the little wheel, the treadmill...the one those crazy squirrels run round, trying to get the nuts....

Of course, there is no real attic, or pics of my family in the chest of drawers. There is no window in the dormer or old trunk. There is just my ego playing a game of tug of war with me, stirring up old memories that start in that warm familiar way...the trouble is, it ends in a sad, cold sort of tragic way. My ego isn't always about making me feel superior...a lot of times, more often then I prefer, it tries to makes me feel alone. See, it wants me to get all wrapped up so that it might be able to convice me that I might feel better if I use. Use something, anything, to make the discomforts of life, the realities of everyday experiences, go away. Fortunately, it loses today, like it did yesterday too. I win, and my ego hates to lose. It will try again tomorrow.

expectations

Expectations. On any given day I can find myself getting my nose outa joint because someone didn't do what I wanted. Traffic, weather, personalities…some person, place or thing has not lived up to my expectations. Holy shit! Here then is a concept to consider, dear reader, if you ever find yourself feeling the same thing. Who cares? Honestly no slight is meant here...but I have never stopped to consider, at the moment of incident at least, whether or not that person, place or thing gives a rat's ass what I wanted in the situation that I have found completely unacceptable. Think about it…do you suppose for one second that the driver on 75 in the morning cares that I'm on my way to the gym and they are keeping me from my workout? Do you suppose the lady in the line at Publix who is fishing in her purse to find the exact change has considered that I may want to get going to my house so that I can make my dinner?

If I haven't taken the time to consider what's happening in the lives of the people that I come in contact with every single day why in the hell do I suppose that they are going to think about what's happening in my world??? Undoubtedly if they knew who I am they would change their habits to conform to mine right?? Oh hell no! Think about that the next time someone isn't driving the way you want them to be driving…there's a damn good chance that the driver behind you is thinking the same thing about you!

humility

hu·mil·i·ty..n: the quality or state of being humble.

hum·ble..adj: 1: not proud or haughty 2: not pretentious

There is a journey that I am traveling, a person I am aiming to become. Considerate, confident, humble, benevolent…these are some words that I would like to think someone would use if they were describing me. These are words I would like to use to describe myself. Not today, not yet. But I wonder, as I go along this road, this journey of discovery, I wonder when I might be aware of these character traits. On some level I already possess some, maybe all of these traits. The important thing is to continue moving in the direction I have started and believe that I don't have to put any focus on cultivating these characteristics…they will come all by themselves. I only have to live my life the right way. Live by the principles and keep it real.

humble, modest – real

egotistical, self-centered – not real

5 cent insanity

I think it is remarkable how many people I know claim to be financial secure and live on their credit cards. What I have found is that these folks consider themselves secure because the have a good enough credit score to obtain a credit card or request an increase in the limit. Is this really much different them living paycheck to paycheck?????And, by-the-way, who devised this "magical credit barometer", this credit score thingy? I think, though I may find I am mistaken, this system was created by the very same people who provided me with those small rectangular pieces of plastic that allow many of us to spend beyond our means. It's like an invitation to debt!

My story is probably not much different then most. I received a letter in the mail congratulating me on having the opportunity to open an account with one of the many companies providing credit. Elated that I had finally achieved a level of success that was being recognized on my accomplishments I hurriedly responded and was awarded with a shiny piece of plastic that had a moderate limit. I had not had the benefit then of knowing that if I didn't manage this properly it would soon get out of hand. I didn't, it did! And the modest initial interest level quickly rose. When offered an increase I naturally accepted and, well you get the idea. One card lead to five and I became part of that American way of life....unable to pay down the debt and the interest fast enough.

I freely admit today that I was irresponsible and like so many before me my debt became impossible to pay on the income I was making. Unable to come up with a solution I simply stopped paying them and became one of thousands who avoid answering phone calls every day from unknown phone numbers for fear that it is one of many "law offices" retained to seek repayment. Now I could go on about that end of this discussion, but what interests me more is how something like the debt could happen in the first place?

In the midst of the economic crisis this country is faced with I am beginning to come to grips with the knowledge that like our nation I was never instructed on how to manage my money well...more importantly how to avoid unsecured debt!

I'm going to attempt to maneuver through this mine field in this blog and see where it leads. Starting tomorrow I am going to seek (rather...return) to a tried and true method. A 12-step program. Come back and see what I find out!