expectations

Expectations. On any given day I can find myself getting my nose outa joint because someone didn't do what I wanted. Traffic, weather, personalities…some person, place or thing has not lived up to my expectations. Holy shit! Here then is a concept to consider, dear reader, if you ever find yourself feeling the same thing. Who cares? Honestly no slight is meant here...but I have never stopped to consider, at the moment of incident at least, whether or not that person, place or thing gives a rat's ass what I wanted in the situation that I have found completely unacceptable. Think about it…do you suppose for one second that the driver on 75 in the morning cares that I'm on my way to the gym and they are keeping me from my workout? Do you suppose the lady in the line at Publix who is fishing in her purse to find the exact change has considered that I may want to get going to my house so that I can make my dinner?

If I haven't taken the time to consider what's happening in the lives of the people that I come in contact with every single day why in the hell do I suppose that they are going to think about what's happening in my world??? Undoubtedly if they knew who I am they would change their habits to conform to mine right?? Oh hell no! Think about that the next time someone isn't driving the way you want them to be driving…there's a damn good chance that the driver behind you is thinking the same thing about you!

humility

hu·mil·i·ty..n: the quality or state of being humble.

hum·ble..adj: 1: not proud or haughty 2: not pretentious

There is a journey that I am traveling, a person I am aiming to become. Considerate, confident, humble, benevolent…these are some words that I would like to think someone would use if they were describing me. These are words I would like to use to describe myself. Not today, not yet. But I wonder, as I go along this road, this journey of discovery, I wonder when I might be aware of these character traits. On some level I already possess some, maybe all of these traits. The important thing is to continue moving in the direction I have started and believe that I don't have to put any focus on cultivating these characteristics…they will come all by themselves. I only have to live my life the right way. Live by the principles and keep it real.

humble, modest – real

egotistical, self-centered – not real

5 cent insanity

I think it is remarkable how many people I know claim to be financial secure and live on their credit cards. What I have found is that these folks consider themselves secure because the have a good enough credit score to obtain a credit card or request an increase in the limit. Is this really much different them living paycheck to paycheck?????And, by-the-way, who devised this "magical credit barometer", this credit score thingy? I think, though I may find I am mistaken, this system was created by the very same people who provided me with those small rectangular pieces of plastic that allow many of us to spend beyond our means. It's like an invitation to debt!

My story is probably not much different then most. I received a letter in the mail congratulating me on having the opportunity to open an account with one of the many companies providing credit. Elated that I had finally achieved a level of success that was being recognized on my accomplishments I hurriedly responded and was awarded with a shiny piece of plastic that had a moderate limit. I had not had the benefit then of knowing that if I didn't manage this properly it would soon get out of hand. I didn't, it did! And the modest initial interest level quickly rose. When offered an increase I naturally accepted and, well you get the idea. One card lead to five and I became part of that American way of life....unable to pay down the debt and the interest fast enough.

I freely admit today that I was irresponsible and like so many before me my debt became impossible to pay on the income I was making. Unable to come up with a solution I simply stopped paying them and became one of thousands who avoid answering phone calls every day from unknown phone numbers for fear that it is one of many "law offices" retained to seek repayment. Now I could go on about that end of this discussion, but what interests me more is how something like the debt could happen in the first place?

In the midst of the economic crisis this country is faced with I am beginning to come to grips with the knowledge that like our nation I was never instructed on how to manage my money well...more importantly how to avoid unsecured debt!

I'm going to attempt to maneuver through this mine field in this blog and see where it leads. Starting tomorrow I am going to seek (rather...return) to a tried and true method. A 12-step program. Come back and see what I find out!

some things I know about myself

This is not the definitive list!

I don't care much about bragging about myself.I have brown eyes.I'm partial to happy endings.
My pics may say otherwise but I am relatively modest...sorta. I am not str8 acting nor am I gay acting…I don't act at all
I have my share of imperfection and normal everyday problems.
I have moments of insecurity and I make mistakes. Age is irrelevant.
I'm good with kids and kind to animals (both 2 and 4 legged...animals that is)!
It doesn't matter how much I lift but how well I lift it.
My math skills are under-utilized.Complaining doesn't change the rules.
I love to snuggle on the couch and watch action adventure movies.
My scholastic degrees were more about personal achievements for me than anything else.
I love the chance to be flirtatious and can laugh at myself when I get caught in the act.
I know my way around the kitchen.I love to kiss and be kissed.I love maple walnut fudge.
I can read a map.
I can competently follow the directions from Ikea.
I think smart sane men who know what they want are sexy.
I think men who are judgmental, pretentious game players are dull.
I don't care how much you make or what you drive or which parties you hit so far this year.
My philosophy can generally be summed up by the following creed;

eat good food, reapect your body, embrace truth, challenge hate, learn something everyday,put in more than you take, laugh at yourself whenever possible & live life fully

mortality

Funny how life hands ya a curve ball now and then isn't it? I found out something about myself today that I just wasn't thinking about. It doesn't matter what it is, for the sake of this musing, just that it changed my perspective about everything. Well perhaps not as eye opening as finally understanding I was an addict...but here I was at the Doctors office not knowing what to feel, think, or do! Ya know what I decided? That it ain't nothing that I can do now except...accept!


...I realized that the only thing I could do was accept life, resolve to make the world a little bit nicer, be kind to animals, kids and old people, help a friend and be honest.

behind the door

There is a certain confidence that children have. I guess we are born with it…and until someone rejects us for the first time we never think that someone would turn us down. But then when it happens the seed is planted. And over time with enough repetition, enough rejection that confidence wanes, it withdraws into a dark corner fearful of repeated beatings. With some people the seed never grows, they just take the "no" in stride and move on, building strength and determination. Others will nurture that seed, water it, coddle it and it will grow. The seed of uncertainty, that "less-than" hesitation that prevents them from responding with certainty in most social situations is in charge.

That was how my life was. Having no confidence is like being locked behind a door. I knew there was a key, I knew there was a keyhole and I knew that there had to be a way to find them both and open the damn door! But as luck, fate, providence, kismet or whatever you call it, would have it I was given another chance. A chance to live my life differently…all I had to do was choose. And I was given the key, and shown the keyhole. I was even told how to turn the doorknob. It took some work, some honesty, some time. But when I opened that door I found my smile, my heart, some trust and my confidence.

working in

I'm more conscious recently of my potential to attract men. I can't say that I never noticed men paying attention to me, flirting or whatever. But generally speaking the men that usually made advances were…umm…men of dubious character. Perhaps the places I hung out were places that attracted a certain character of men, lol. The big difference today is that I have more confidence. So, I am more willing to approach men, that before now, I thought were out of my league. The funny thing is that most of these guys are just as afraid to approach me and not in any league, except maybe a softball league! I've never considered myself extraordinary in the "looks" department, just sorta average at best. And, despite the time I spend at the gym I thought the same about my body –fair to middling.

What I've learned is this…the more effort that I put into my insides the more satisfied I am that my outsides are good enough. Good enough to allow me an acceptable level of comfort when walking up to another guy and saying "hi, my name is Monty. You caught my attention and I wanted to introduce myself."

That's the real secret isn't it…the amount of effort that I spend on my insides should be equal to or greater than the effort I spend on my outsides.